I don't, in fact, sit around eating bon bons all day

This will probably be a whole lot of randomness, since I don't think I have blogged in about a month. I'm sure you're wondering what has happened since the last time I had anything to say around here and the simple answer is, I went back to work.

Working at home has successfully zapped any ambition I ever had to write in my free time after doing it all day to earn a paycheck. By the time the papers are out, my house is littered with remains of Jay's super fun play time, the bottles need made, dinner needs served, baths need given and screaming, crabby children seem to have taken over the minds of my own darlings. In short, I haven't had time to blog and for that I feel guilty.

The best part about working at home is that I can do it in my pajamas with a baby in one arm and feeding Jay breakfast with the other. The worst part about working at home is that people for some reason think that I no longer work. And that means it's free reign for them on my already limited time to get things done in the day. Just because I work at home doesn't mean I'm not just as busy as I was when I still worked in the office. In fact, I'm more busy now because I'm tending two kids in the process.

But there are just some who seem to think I'm sitting around eating bon bons and watching the soaps all day. I think that every one of you stay-at-homes mom reading this will attest to the fact that is not what we do.

I have a rule. I don't work once my husband comes home at night. Because that is our time. I will admit there are times when an especially crabby baby day has caused me to break that rule because it is the only time I can get away from the screaming to actually concentrate.

It's hard not to let your work interfere with your home life when you're working at home. I think we've been pretty successful at keeping the two separate and I have to tell you that I'm loving spending every day home with my kiddos. I didn't miss these early years with Jay and I'm so glad to have a boss that will let me enjoy them with Dani, as well.

Now, I'm sure what you've been waiting for more than words from me is pictures of our growing Bean.

I promise to post more pictures of both the kiddos soon, but here's Dani to tide you over! Can you believe how big she's getting?

On Dani

Sorry it has taken me so long to post this, faithful blog readers. The last week has been a whirlwind of activity at our house.

Dani Marie Agnes was born last Monday, April 26th at 1:21 p.m. She weighed 5 pounds and 2 ounces and was 18 inches long. She is incredible and beautiful and Micah, Jay and I are so in love with her!!

Delivery was seamless and I realized during the operation that I had gotten myself worked up for nothing. I promise to post her birth story soon, I want to write it down before I forget a single moment of the experience. But for now, I'm off to feed a stirring little one!

On Saturdays

Micah plays in a band most Saturday nights. Which means that Jay and I have an evening to ourselves. Right now, I'm trying to enjoy our very last mom/jay Saturday night. And by enjoy, I mean listen to Jay repeatedly push the button on a Cookie Monster saxophone for the last hour. My patience is running thin and now I remember why Micah and I hide this toy for months at a time. He only got it back today because I found it thrown in Bean's crib.

I can't believe how different our lives will be in less than 48 hours. I am excited but at the same time, I feel bad for Jay. He's spent 9 years as an only child. I've spent 30 that way and I know I wouldn't have appreciated my parents having a baby when I was 9.

Jay has also been the only grandchild for 9 years. Oh my, this is going to be an adjustment for him. I'm not sure he really gets exactly what is happening and I wish I knew how to make him understand that next week there will be another person living here. I know he'll get used to it, I just hope that he actually enjoys it and doesn't feel slighted by us having another baby. I wish he could understand how hard it is for me, too. I'm used to having one child and I'm not yet sure what to do with two.

I wish I could be like my dear husband, who is currently still oblivious to how much different life is going to be around here. Is it wrong that I'm secretly waiting for the moment he realizes it, just so I can giggle at him?

On being MIA

I have been a very bad blogger for the last few weeks. I haven't posted blogs and I haven't read blogs. I have no excuses, as I had plenty of time to do both because I've been on bed rest for the last 2 weeks.

At my appointment 2 weeks ago with the MFM specialist, it was decided that I would have an amnio to check Bean's lungs and if they were fully developed I would be having a c-section last Friday. When my results came back, the Dr. said there was a 5% chance Bean would need some form of assistance breathing (oxygen, most likely) and she wasn't willing to take that chance.

After twice weekly NST and ultrasounds, Bean will be coming into the world next Monday around 1 p.m. I have five days left, but I am excited to report that yesterday I hit 36 weeks!! I did something I didn't think was possible, I now know what it feels like to be 9 months pregnant!!

As for bed rest, I've been watching a lot of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And I've stayed away from the computer. My only logical reasoning is that the computer reminds me of work (I'm a newspaper editor) so in relaxing I have stayed away from my beloved macbook.

Everything is going great, Bean seems to look like Jay from the 3d ultrasound the tech snuck in before my amnio!! I just hope she has his red hair, although Micah's gramma has said that Bean will be a brown haired, blue eyed little girl.

I promise not to disappear for so long again. I'll make an effort to blog daily in the last part of this bed rest.

On things I don't know

I realized yesterday that there are many things I do not know about birthing babies. Which is a little scary, considering the fact that I have a nine year old son. I will admit it, I'm clueless on some subjects.

Like, do you still boil baby bottles? Older ladies keep telling me to boil them and everything I've read online says I don't have to boil the bottles. I don't know what to do. And I don't have another appointment with my doctor until Tuesday and knowing me I will forget to ask her, because I always forget to ask things until I am in the car on the way back to work.

Also, do you still make formula with sterile or nursery water? When I had Jay we had well water, so I always made his formula with sterilized water. But now that I live in town, is it necessary?

I finally put batteries in the little attachable vibrating/music playing/light up thing that clips to my bassinet last night. The light is awesome, Micah says the music is creepy and not allowed, and the dang thing vibrates so loud that it would wake the dead. How is that supposed to help a baby sleep? It sounds like a chopper landing in the bedroom. Good thing it came as part of the bassinet and I didn't pay for it.

Another thing. Do I need a bottle warmer? I always just made Jay's formula and put it in a feeding tube, so I know nothing about warming a bottle that a baby is going to drink. I believe I nuked it when Jay was little or just made it room temperature.

I guess it just boils down to me being absolutely clueless about feeding babies.

On belly buttons?

Micah and I went yesterday and had maternity portraits done. I feel bad, because this wasn't something that people did when I had Jay, but I really wanted these memories for Bean. I think I have two pictures of me while I was pregnant with Jay. 

We got a little sneak preview from our photographer today and I wanted to share it with all of you. Please excuse my belly button. I'm still a little weirded out about showing my belly button to the world. It seems a little yucky to be, but I think belly buttons are gross.

I think I am going to have this one enlarged to a 16x20 and hang it over Bean's bassinet.

Micah loves this one.

But this is my favorite. Again, I apologize if anyone is offended or grossed out by my belly button. And yes, I do realize that I'm weird.

On laundry and other random things

I have a million thoughts right now and none of them are very focused. I'm blaming pregnancy brain. So I'll just share the random bits of info floating in this head of mine, if you don't mind.

Why is it that I have at least 10 loads of laundry every week? I used to save all the laundry up for Saturday morning, but I just can't do that anymore. There are only 3 of us and 1 of us wears uniforms to work every day. How many loads am I going to have once Bean gets here? I shudder to even think about that. I'm already doing at least one load of laundry a day and I have no idea where this stuff is coming from. Maybe it's mating in the hamper? That's my only explanation right now.

I'm still torn between formula and breastfeeding. If I do formula, I want to use the Similac Organic stuff. But I feel like I'm a bad mother if I don't breastfeed. I couldn't with Jay, because my milk never came in. It should have, it just didn't. I'm wondering if that is going to happen again? If so, I'll have no choice but to do formula. I just don't know. This is such a tough decision for me and sadly, one that I have to make on my own.

I think I found someone to take my maternity portraits. I'm sad because I always take our family pictures myself. I just use the Rebel and my remote. But I honestly don't feel like it right now. But I also know me and I know that I probably won't be happy with anyone else doing it. Plus, I'm really bummed that we can't do them on our first anniversary, which was my original plan. I may still look pregnant on May 2nd, but I won't be. :(

I told Micah last night that Bean can officially come because I bought her a package of diapers. That seems so silly and really I said it to make him laugh. Like all we need are diapers and we're good to go. But that really was the last thing I needed. So I'm feeling ready in the stuff department right now, I just need to get ready in the emotional department.

I have to admit that I'm scared to death of my c-section. I know that I had one before, so it probably seems silly to feel scared. But I was asleep for Jay's and it was an emergency. I didn't really have time to think about it before it was happening. This time, all I've done for months now is think about that dreadful surgery.

If you made it this far, you have my utmost admiration. I promise to think of more interesting things to say next week.

On eight weeks

I had an appointment with my doctor this morning. Everything was going routinely. The whole get out in 15 minutes of less formula. That's why I love my doctor. She would spend as much time with me as needed, but I rarely need much. She is always in my room before my appointment time and she doesn't dilly-dally. Pee in a cup, measure the belly, listen to the heartbeat, ask about symptoms, latest thyroid numbers and we're done.

This morning I asked when I was going to meet with the surgeon for my c-section. Since my doctor is just a GP and not an OB/GYN, she doesn't do surgeries. No big deal, I love her and though she gave me the option I didn't want to see another doctor for this pregnancy. I have, however, been seeing my high risk specialist from Jay just to have regular ultrasounds and make sure Bean doesn't have any of the issues Jay had.

As far as my doctor knew, I had a bikini cut with Jay. Which is true. What she didn't know is that I have a vertical interior cut. She has told me from the beginning that I won't have my c-section until I am 39 weeks pregnant. I chose May 14th as the day to deliver Bean. That all changed this morning, because my specialist does know about my interior cut and recommended that I have a c-section at 37 weeks.

No big deal, you might say. And truthfully everyone but me is excited at this prospect. Micah is ready. My best friend Amy is over the moon, because her other best friend is getting married May 15th so she was going to have to make a 4 hour trip up here and back on the 16th to see Bean.

But holy moly, I just lost 2 weeks. Eight weeks from tomorrow I am going to be a mommy again. And while I have many things done, I still have a whole list of things I want to get don before Bean arrives. And now I only have 8 weeks to do them. Plus, April 30th puts Bean's birth right at the beginning of our anniversary weekend. I will be in the hospital recovering from a c-section on my first wedding anniversary. I was really looking forward to being grossly pregnant on our anniversary.

I was just wishing last night that the next week would fly so that I would be down to single digit weeks. I guess I got my wish, just not in the way I was imagining.

On those pesky blank walls

You may remember that a week or two back I posted some walls in my house. All but one of those walls was covered in either my own photography or paintings. If you don't remember, here is what the walls above Bean's crib looked like.

This weekend my best friend came into town to do some wedding shopping. She drove four hours just for me to go wedding shopping with her, she's such a good best friend. Ok, she and her fiance may have also come home because he's from here and his entire family lives here but I'm going to stick with my belief that she came home only so I would go shopping with her.

We went to Hobby Lobby to find some DIY supplies and I ended up finding things for Bean's wall! She's such a good best friend that she didn't mind that I was baby shopping during her time!

Now, Bean's walls look like this:

I'm thinking she needs a shelf under the "Wish Upon A Star" sign, which is why I had Micah hang it up so high. If you're wondering, the reason she only has 2 walls is because the other side of the room belongs to Jay. I'll post the pictures of his side as soon as I get one last thing finished.

Just in case you're curious, Bean's closet has grown exponentially in the last few weeks. And I won't make you wonder how much, I'll show you!

Just ten more weeks and Bean will be here to enjoy all of this!! I can't wait to meet her!

On 28 weeks, 1 day

Today is the day. At this point in my pregnancy with Jay I was getting ready to have an emergency c-section because his chances of surviving were much greater outside my womb. That is a horrible thought. My own body was damaging Jay to the point that he had to get out, tiny or not.

I remember the first doctors appointment with Bean. I felt relief at hearing a heartbeat, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember that first ultrasound. Having the specialist show me that Bean's cord and placenta were perfect and had none of the defects that were present in Jay's cord and placenta brought relief, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember the fetal heart echo. One of Jay's own cardiologists told me that Jay's heart condition was not present in my little Bean and I felt relief greater than any I have known in this pregnancy, but it wasn't complete relief.

I realize that making it through today is a big step. I didn't go into preterm labor, so I haven't been panicked that I may go into labor at the same point in this pregnancy. But I have feared being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and having this scenario replay at 28 weeks, 1 day.

Today has nothing to do with how my body is handling pregnancy. I knew I could make it to 28 weeks all along. But the fear was still there, ever present, in the back of my mind. I don't think I will feel complete relief tomorrow morning when I wake up 28 weeks, 2 days pregnant. But I feel a little stronger knowing that when I wake up I will be taking a new journey. I will never have been that pregnant.

At this point, I know that no matter what happens I can survive. I've been there before. I know how to deal with preterm babies. The scarier thought is not knowing what to do with a full-term newborn.

I probably won't feel complete relief until I'm being stapled up after my c-section, but making it past this milestone is probably the biggest relief I've had so far.

On having a name like Dani California

Micah and I had a strange conversation about a week ago. It involved a middle name for our unborn Bean. I thought this issue had been decided months ago, if she's a girl she's Dani Marie and if he's a boy he's Liam Douglas.

I like names that mean something to me and both middle names were significant. Marie is both the middle name of my best friend and my recently departed grandmother. Douglas was Micah's grandfather's first name before he was adopted. End of discussion, or so I thought.

Here is the conversation that took place as we were leaving Tiffany on my 30th birthday:

Micah - Soooo, how set are you on Marie as a middle name?

Me - Pretty darn set, since we decided it before we were even pregnant. Why?

Micah - It's boring.

Me - Seriously? That's your reason?? (I believe at this point I had stopped in front of the Burberry store to stare at my lovely, clueless husband.)

Micah - (staring at me)

Me - Well, if you don't like Marie, then what is your suggestion?

And he looks at me, in all seriousness, and just says "Alexis."

Alexis?? Now, I have nothing against the name but my head was spinning with the thought of Alexis. Where did this name come from? What is my husband's reasoning for such a trendy name as Alexis?

I'm not a trendy name person. My son is Jason. That has not been in the top 100 for popular names in a good 20 years. We've never met another Jason his age and there are no kids in his class named Jason.

I like Dani because of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song, Dani California. My husband is a bass player and he owns three Flea basses. Flea is one of his major influences and I want to honor his musical abilities in the name of our daughter. And I don't see there being any other Dani's in her classroom when she starts school.

I bet I could walk into a school tomorrow morning, throw a paperwad and hit an Alexis.

In the interest of fairness, I gave my husband a week to come up with a meaningful name. He had nothing. So I made a list of 12 middle names and presented it to my husband on Friday night. He looked over the list and pondered while we ate dinner. And do you want to know what middle name he chose for our unborn daughter??

Marie.

On Lennon v. McCartney

Disclaimer: This blog is meant to be humorous. Nothing I say here is to be taken too seriously, except the fact that I really am NOT a Beatles fan. I just don't get the hype. Please don't send me "You are horrible for hating the Beatles and John Lennon" hate mail!

I've been thinking about really stupid things lately as it pertains to Bean and myself and the new dynamic that will soon descend upon our house. One of my major worries is what kind of musical taste Bean will have. My goodness what if Bean loves Gwen Stefani or Fergie. I don't think I could stand it. But the most important musical debate that will surely take place in this house is that of John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney.

Please don't think that I'm a Beatles freak. Actually, I'm pretty much an anti-fan. I think The Beatles are highly overrated. Actually, I like their songs, I just prefer when someone else sings them.

The debate I generally end up in with The Beatles fans I know is Lennon or McCartney. 99.9% of people will take Lennon, in my personal experience. But not me. I'm McCartney all the way. Maybe I just have a thing for bass players? Personally, I credit my love for Paul to Wings. Have you ever heard Wings? Freaking awesome! Maybe I'm Amazed is one of the best songs ever.

Sorry, I've gotten off topic here. What am I going to do if Bean loves The Beatles or Mr. John Lennon?? What am I going to do? How do I explain the incredibleness of Mr. Paul McCartney without exposing the child to at least some Beatles songs? Goodness, this is overwhelming.

I suppose I'll just hope against hope that Bean loves bass players as much as mommy. And maybe he or she will inherit my strange fascination with Sebastian Bach, as well.

On babies and their gender

I had my ultrasound last Tuesday. Little Bean decided to show it's gender, unlike that stubborn older brother known as Jay, who waited until I had an ultrasound 3 hours before his birth to announce his gender.

Unfortunately, I have this crazy idea that I don't want to tell anyone our babies gender since we've already shared the names we've chosen for Bean. (Liam Douglas or Dani Marie, if you were wondering) I think it will be more of a surprise and a treat for Micah if he gets to announce "It's a boy" or "It's a girl."

So I can't tell you, dear blog readers. But I could show you the high chair we bought yesterday, the front of my kids bedroom closet and the pile of things I bought yesterday which includes Bean's outfit for the wedding of my two best friends this fall. Then I wouldn't be telling but if you figured it out on your own...well, I wouldn't have told you.

The high chair that perfectly matches my oops can purple wall.

Yeah, Bean already has a lot of clothes.

The polka dotted outfit is for Amy and Nick's wedding. It matches their wedding decor perfectly.

On Pregnancy

I'm not sure what happened here. It's not like I'm new to this whole pregnancy thing, I have a son who will be nine at the end of the month. But my word, I do not remember all of these crazy things happening to my sanity and my body with Jay. Yeah, I might have thrown up six times a day for six months, but that was the only discomfort of pregnancy I experienced with him (other than a C-section at 28 weeks).

For your reading pleasure, here is my list of complaints:

1.  I look like Dolly Parton. In 16 weeks of pregnancy, I have gained exactly 5 pounds. I swear that entire five pounds is firmly located in my breasts. At 6 weeks, I had to go up a cup and band size. And now, just ten weeks later, my cups overflow. Dang it all. I swear I never bought a bigger bra the entire 28 weeks I was pregnant with Jay. NEVER. I'm making up for it this time, though. I have what Dolly and Pamela had to pay thousands of dollars for....and I'm ready to give them back.

2. I. Cry. Alot. Ugh, the emotional roller coasters. Found out one of my best friends is going from night editor at our local paper to Editor at a paper about 1 hour away, I cried. Couldn't have what I wanted for dinner, I cried. Heard Sammi Edmonds talking about the Angel Tree on the radio, I cried. Talked about my recently deceased uncle with my mom, I cried. Saw a video of the kid who hit a golf ball with Tiger Woods, I cried. You get the idea, I am an emotional wreck.

3. The Heartburn. I never experienced heartburn with Jay. I guess throwing up more times a day than you eat prevents heartburn? Now, I want to live on Pepcid AC and milkshakes. My  mom says I must be having a girl because she had heartburn with me. I like to believe that baby geniuses produce heartburn in their mothers.

4. The Headaches. Not sure what is causing all the headaches and nasal problems, but I'm quite tired of blowing my nose to alleviate headaches.

5. The doubts. This one is the worst. Nine years ago, I was a naive 20 year old who knew nothing about raising babies. I have nine years of experience as a mommy and I'm scared to death. Were we ready? Where are we going to put the Bean in our already full house? How will I manage editing four newspapers a week, caring for a newborn and a son with special needs while my husband works 60 hours a week? Why did we do this? What was I thinking? I'm not proud to admit it, but I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I wanted this baby so badly and now I'm feeling like we made the wrong decision and maybe we should have just been happy with Jay. I am losing my mind and I don't want anyone to think I don't want this baby, because I do. I'm just not sure what I've gotten myself into. By the time Jay came home from the hospital, he was 11 months old. I have NEVER cared for a newborn in my home.

Oh Lord, I think this is about to get interesting.

On My Mamaw

I was thinking today about my mamaw. She passed on back in August after a long and hard battle with both Alzheimer's and cancer. By the time Jay was born back in 2000, my mamaw was already starting to slip and my grandfather was terminally ill with cancer of his own.

My mamaw always made each grandchild a knitted baby blanket. In the closet, I still have my own as do many of my cousins. Our children each received blankets, as well.

I can remember my mamaw setting in the waiting room at Riley after church on Sundays knitting blankets for the new crop of great-grandchildren (5 in one year) she had coming after Jay.  I remember her giving Jay a yellow blanket and beginning work on a lovely pink and blue blended blanket. I commented on how lovely it was and never thought any more about it.

My mamaw was a cantankerous lady, but she also loved her family very much. Jay in particular. She just thought the sun rose and set in Jay. I always joked that my mamaw never liked me until I gave birth to that little miracle. My grandparents, both in their seventies at the time, made it to the hospital for Jay's middle of the night New Year's Eve birth. They religiously came to visit him every Sunday. One of my favorite pictures is of my mamaw holding Jay during a tube feeding, proudly holding that tiny tube up above him.

When she finished that second blanket, she gifted it to Jay, as well. Never mind that she had four other great-grandchildren waiting to be born (one of whom was the child of her favorite grandson). She said that this blanket was meant for Jay.

I was thinking about it tonight and I thought of something. Maybe my mamaw knew that my future held another little one. Maybe she knew in her infinite wisdom that she would not be around to see that little one and wanted to be sure he or she had a blanket made by mamaw, as well. Or maybe I'm just a sentimental lush right now who isn't thinking straight. But even if it is only me wanting to believe she left this gift nine years ago for the little bean who is coming in May, who am I hurting by believing it?

On May 18th

I had my first OB appointment today, and all was well.  I got my due date and had a lovely cervical exam while my husband stood by my head.  Micah and I both thought the Dr. would have him leave the room, but I'm guessing she thought he'd already seen my down there and it shouldn't bother him.

I asked him on the way home if the blanket covered everything and he informed me that he didn't know, he was looking away the entire time.  That's love.  Honestly, as much as I love my husband, I just don't need him to be right in the thick of my pap.

I did have to get a flu shot today, which I wasn't thrilled about.  I'm not big on shots and introducing foreign stuff into my body like that.  I've never let Jay have a flu shot for that very reason and I feel like I shouldn't have done it either.  And when I was leaving, the Medical Assistant informed me that I would be getting the H1N1 vaccine next month.  Yay, me!

I don't go back for another six weeks, and Dr. Cox said that on that appointment we'll get to hear Bean's heartbeat!!  I'm so excited for Micah to experience that because I remember how awesome it was to hear Jay's at my first appointment.  And the Dr. was super about not doing a lot of unnecessary stuff before our insurance open enrollment in January.  She has always been great about letting me slide on some stuff that isn't necessary since I lost my insurance last year.

Here's hoping the Bean stays happy and healthy!!