Update

If any of you were wondering, my job situation has gotten much better. I realize now that I'm no longer a newspaper editor because I chose not to be. I just didn't really think that my boss would call my bluff.

But if you know me, you know that I can't give up the newspaper game so easily. I kind of love it, but don't tell anyone. ;) So, I'm staying. Selling ads and doing office work. I didn't want to leave and it seems they don't want me to leave, either! Yay me.

All of this to say, I overreact. I flip out too easily and I'm working on that. I guess all's well that ends well.

Now I'd like to share with you a conversation I had with a co-worker today. I'm back in the groove and oddly, I couldn't be happier!

done

I'm just done. So completely over it all. I know that I have to finish out the month at work, but I honestly don't care anymore. I just want it to be September. So I don't have to worry about these papers anymore.

I bounce around. I do care and then I don't. Right now, I could care less if these papers go out this week. I just want to turn in my computer and all my files and walk away from the whole thing.

Obviously, I'm still feeling a little hurt. I missed a birthday party for my 4 year old cousin yesterday because I just couldn't force myself to look at anyone. Knowing that I've been replaced, knowing that it happened so easily, hurts me. I honestly thought I would be doing this job until I retired someday.

Now that won't be happening. I really don't know what to do with myself. I had the perfect job and now I have nothing. I've been offered a chance to stay. Become the features editor and have my own column every week. Sell a few ads here and there for straight commission. But at this point I'm so hurt that I don't want to do those things.

I just want to crawl in a hole away from the world and be done. I know that I sound dejected and I know that I have so much more going on than just a job. But it was my job, dangit, and I am going to miss it like crazy.

I feel like they don't want me anymore and this offer of something else, something "better" is just a way of not hurting my feelings any more than they already have. It's a way of appeasing me so I don't leave angry. Because at the end of the conversation, G said "maybe you just want to walk away because you have enough going on at home." Which to me is just a nice way of saying that they don't want me, don't need me and I don't have to feel guilty walking away.

bad week

This week has been horrible. If it could go wrong, it has.

The doctor's office called to remind me of those lovely pre-cancer cells in my cervix that they found during my pap when I was pregnant with Dani. I hadn't actually forgotten them, I was just hoping maybe they would go away. Because in all honesty, I am scared to death of having cancer. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to have a hysterectomy.

I don't even know what to think of these cells, at one point they were called pre-cancer. Then when B called from my doctor's office, she called them high grade. I have no godly idea what that is supposed to mean. Are high grade cells worse than pre-cancer? This makes about the 3rd time in my life when I wished I had majored in nursing instead of pre-law.

Also, I've been replaced at work. As of August 30th, I will no longer be a newspaper editor. I kind of brought this on myself, because I told my boss that I couldn't work in the office like I used to but I would work til he could replace me. That was over a month ago and it was never mentioned again, so I thought he had decided that I didn't HAVE to be in the office. And I guess that is what he decided, just not in the same manner I was thinking.

I have never so much in my life wanted to quit a job with absolutely no notice. It's stupid, because it's just a job, but my heart is breaking right now. I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I love my job. I have the opportunity to stay, but in a far different capacity. And while I have said yes for the time being, I don't know that I really want to stay at all. It's stupid, but I almost feel betrayed. Which is dumb because I'm the one who said, "I can't do this so replace me if that's what you need."

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I mean, obviously, I have plenty to do with 2 kids. But I don't want my entire identity to be tied to being at home all day with my children, no matter how much I adore that part of my life. My job is my sanity some days. It's my interaction with others and it's also the way that I am able to provide all the extras that I like to do for my kids.

I'm rambling because my head is all over the place. I could have cancer and I definitely no longer have my job. I know this sounds so much worse than it really is and I know there are people who have it far worse than I do. I just need a pity party today.

I don't, in fact, sit around eating bon bons all day

This will probably be a whole lot of randomness, since I don't think I have blogged in about a month. I'm sure you're wondering what has happened since the last time I had anything to say around here and the simple answer is, I went back to work.

Working at home has successfully zapped any ambition I ever had to write in my free time after doing it all day to earn a paycheck. By the time the papers are out, my house is littered with remains of Jay's super fun play time, the bottles need made, dinner needs served, baths need given and screaming, crabby children seem to have taken over the minds of my own darlings. In short, I haven't had time to blog and for that I feel guilty.

The best part about working at home is that I can do it in my pajamas with a baby in one arm and feeding Jay breakfast with the other. The worst part about working at home is that people for some reason think that I no longer work. And that means it's free reign for them on my already limited time to get things done in the day. Just because I work at home doesn't mean I'm not just as busy as I was when I still worked in the office. In fact, I'm more busy now because I'm tending two kids in the process.

But there are just some who seem to think I'm sitting around eating bon bons and watching the soaps all day. I think that every one of you stay-at-homes mom reading this will attest to the fact that is not what we do.

I have a rule. I don't work once my husband comes home at night. Because that is our time. I will admit there are times when an especially crabby baby day has caused me to break that rule because it is the only time I can get away from the screaming to actually concentrate.

It's hard not to let your work interfere with your home life when you're working at home. I think we've been pretty successful at keeping the two separate and I have to tell you that I'm loving spending every day home with my kiddos. I didn't miss these early years with Jay and I'm so glad to have a boss that will let me enjoy them with Dani, as well.

Now, I'm sure what you've been waiting for more than words from me is pictures of our growing Bean.

I promise to post more pictures of both the kiddos soon, but here's Dani to tide you over! Can you believe how big she's getting?