The world just lost a great lady

I haven't blogged in a month and lord, it has been a crazy month. Micah's grandmother, Bobbie, passed away almost a month ago. You may remember me talking about her before when she first got sick. That amazing lady, who was given 6 weeks to live at the first of the year, made it 8 long months. She was a fighter and honestly before the cancer got to her, she was probably the healthiest person I knew.

Micah always says that you can tell a person how amazing someone is and they will say, "Yeah, sure everyone says their grandmother is amazing." But Bobbie truly was. She was really one of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She raised my husband and she did an incredible job. Every day I see something of her in him. I told her more than once that I was so grateful for how she raised Micah and I hope with all my heart that she knew how much I appreciated the husband that she gave me. 

And she was such a regal lady. She was a class act. And honestly that's not something you see much today. I love this picture of Bobbie because she looks so dignified. I actually printed a copy just for her funeral boards because I love this picture of her. She reminds me of the queen mother. 

I wish I had scanned some of the older pictures we found of Bobbie while we were cleaning her house. I always thought that Bobbie was a pretty lady, but she was absolutely gorgeous when she was younger. Bobbie made Marilyn Monroe look plain. I am planning to scan all the old pictures to make a memory book sometime soon, so I will share someday.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that my daughter will never have a Bobbie. I could see them having lunch and shopping for fancy little girl dresses. I could see them working on Bobbie's flowers together and sitting in her sunroom on a warm afternoon. Not every child is lucky enough to get a grandmother like Bobbie, I certainly wasn't, and it hurts me to know that my daughter will never have that amazing relationship.

The world truly lost a great lady. Bobbie touched so many lives and she has touched mine more deeply than I think she ever knew. 

There is much more going on around here and I promise to update you on all the exciting happenings in our life soon. I just don't want to take away from this post by sharing other things. I promise I won't be gone another month.

bad week

This week has been horrible. If it could go wrong, it has.

The doctor's office called to remind me of those lovely pre-cancer cells in my cervix that they found during my pap when I was pregnant with Dani. I hadn't actually forgotten them, I was just hoping maybe they would go away. Because in all honesty, I am scared to death of having cancer. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to have a hysterectomy.

I don't even know what to think of these cells, at one point they were called pre-cancer. Then when B called from my doctor's office, she called them high grade. I have no godly idea what that is supposed to mean. Are high grade cells worse than pre-cancer? This makes about the 3rd time in my life when I wished I had majored in nursing instead of pre-law.

Also, I've been replaced at work. As of August 30th, I will no longer be a newspaper editor. I kind of brought this on myself, because I told my boss that I couldn't work in the office like I used to but I would work til he could replace me. That was over a month ago and it was never mentioned again, so I thought he had decided that I didn't HAVE to be in the office. And I guess that is what he decided, just not in the same manner I was thinking.

I have never so much in my life wanted to quit a job with absolutely no notice. It's stupid, because it's just a job, but my heart is breaking right now. I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I love my job. I have the opportunity to stay, but in a far different capacity. And while I have said yes for the time being, I don't know that I really want to stay at all. It's stupid, but I almost feel betrayed. Which is dumb because I'm the one who said, "I can't do this so replace me if that's what you need."

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I mean, obviously, I have plenty to do with 2 kids. But I don't want my entire identity to be tied to being at home all day with my children, no matter how much I adore that part of my life. My job is my sanity some days. It's my interaction with others and it's also the way that I am able to provide all the extras that I like to do for my kids.

I'm rambling because my head is all over the place. I could have cancer and I definitely no longer have my job. I know this sounds so much worse than it really is and I know there are people who have it far worse than I do. I just need a pity party today.