On 28 weeks, 1 day

Today is the day. At this point in my pregnancy with Jay I was getting ready to have an emergency c-section because his chances of surviving were much greater outside my womb. That is a horrible thought. My own body was damaging Jay to the point that he had to get out, tiny or not.

I remember the first doctors appointment with Bean. I felt relief at hearing a heartbeat, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember that first ultrasound. Having the specialist show me that Bean's cord and placenta were perfect and had none of the defects that were present in Jay's cord and placenta brought relief, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember the fetal heart echo. One of Jay's own cardiologists told me that Jay's heart condition was not present in my little Bean and I felt relief greater than any I have known in this pregnancy, but it wasn't complete relief.

I realize that making it through today is a big step. I didn't go into preterm labor, so I haven't been panicked that I may go into labor at the same point in this pregnancy. But I have feared being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and having this scenario replay at 28 weeks, 1 day.

Today has nothing to do with how my body is handling pregnancy. I knew I could make it to 28 weeks all along. But the fear was still there, ever present, in the back of my mind. I don't think I will feel complete relief tomorrow morning when I wake up 28 weeks, 2 days pregnant. But I feel a little stronger knowing that when I wake up I will be taking a new journey. I will never have been that pregnant.

At this point, I know that no matter what happens I can survive. I've been there before. I know how to deal with preterm babies. The scarier thought is not knowing what to do with a full-term newborn.

I probably won't feel complete relief until I'm being stapled up after my c-section, but making it past this milestone is probably the biggest relief I've had so far.