Big Changes

For the last week, I have been praying harder and more frequently than I ever have in my life. Big changes, they seem to be headed this way.

Without going into too much detail (because Micah and I have sworn not to talk about it), I can tell you that big changes could be coming to our home in the very near future. Exciting changes that involve Micah's musical career. Scary changes that will change our lives, possibly forever. Lonely changes for the both of us. But worthwhile they will be, nonetheless.

I've come to the point where I had to ask myself if I meant what I said in my wedding vows. I promised to follow wherever Micah's musical path may lead. But now, when we're on the brink of something huge, can I really do it? I gave him my 'yes' in an instant, but then I spent several days thinking about it, praying about it.

I prayed for God to lead us down the right path, even if it won't be the easiest path. In fact, it may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I remember someone once telling me that the hardness in life is what makes us who we are.

I've given this decision completely over to God. I know that he will lead us where we need to go. And I'm ready to accept that whichever way it goes, it is God's plan for us.

I honestly asked myself if I could keep my husband from his dreams just to keep him home with me and the answer is no. I married a musician and that means that our life might not always be predictable. It's not easy but I can do hard if it means my husband can live his dream.

There will be news soon, this week I hope, and as soon as it's all concrete I promise to share with all of you. For now, I would ask that you send prayers and good thoughts our way so that we can make the best decision for our family.

Bad Mother

I love my husband dearly, he is my best friend and most times I don't know what I would do without him. But on Saturday night, he made me feel like the worst mother in the history of mothers. I felt like Marie Antoinette (did she even have kids?) would have been more suited to mother my children than I was at that point.

It all started with this

We showed up to watch Micah play at a festival and everyone wanted to hold the baby. And by everyone I mean the ladies who follow the band. Women I have known for several years, who came to our wedding, one of whom was there for me when I had my miscarriage (because she had been through it 3 times) and came to our house the day we came home from the hospital to see our daughter.

I have no problem with letting people we know well hold Dani. And over the course of 6 hours, everyone wanted their chance. People were willing to hold her so I could eat and go to the bathroom. They genuinely wanted to love her and help me out.

And one couple, the ones who came to the house, were willing to set Jay with them so that I could actually enjoy myself a little bit. The husband, R., loves Jay and hung out with him the majority of the night. I always had my eye on them and Jay was loving it.

Micah decided on the way home to tell me that he didn't like the way Dani was passed around. And he didn't think I should have let Jason set a row behind me with R. I was furious with him for questioning me and also irritated because he has no idea how much work it is for me to be outside for hours with both kids and effectively tend to both of their needs. It was just people trying to help me out and he was upset with me.

Really, I wasn't trying to be a bad mother and I know that he wasn't trying to make me feel that way, but that is how it came out. I don't see anything wrong with 4 people other than myself having a turn holding the baby. It had been hot all day and she makes me even hotter so it was nice to have a little break. But I guess that won't be happening again.

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not sure. But I guess we'll try it his way next time and see how it goes.