I'm just done. So completely over it all. I know that I have to finish out the month at work, but I honestly don't care anymore. I just want it to be September. So I don't have to worry about these papers anymore.
I bounce around. I do care and then I don't. Right now, I could care less if these papers go out this week. I just want to turn in my computer and all my files and walk away from the whole thing.
Obviously, I'm still feeling a little hurt. I missed a birthday party for my 4 year old cousin yesterday because I just couldn't force myself to look at anyone. Knowing that I've been replaced, knowing that it happened so easily, hurts me. I honestly thought I would be doing this job until I retired someday.
Now that won't be happening. I really don't know what to do with myself. I had the perfect job and now I have nothing. I've been offered a chance to stay. Become the features editor and have my own column every week. Sell a few ads here and there for straight commission. But at this point I'm so hurt that I don't want to do those things.
I just want to crawl in a hole away from the world and be done. I know that I sound dejected and I know that I have so much more going on than just a job. But it was my job, dangit, and I am going to miss it like crazy.
I feel like they don't want me anymore and this offer of something else, something "better" is just a way of not hurting my feelings any more than they already have. It's a way of appeasing me so I don't leave angry. Because at the end of the conversation, G said "maybe you just want to walk away because you have enough going on at home." Which to me is just a nice way of saying that they don't want me, don't need me and I don't have to feel guilty walking away.