Friday, August 6, 2010

bad week

This week has been horrible. If it could go wrong, it has.

The doctor's office called to remind me of those lovely pre-cancer cells in my cervix that they found during my pap when I was pregnant with Dani. I hadn't actually forgotten them, I was just hoping maybe they would go away. Because in all honesty, I am scared to death of having cancer. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to have a hysterectomy.

I don't even know what to think of these cells, at one point they were called pre-cancer. Then when B called from my doctor's office, she called them high grade. I have no godly idea what that is supposed to mean. Are high grade cells worse than pre-cancer? This makes about the 3rd time in my life when I wished I had majored in nursing instead of pre-law.

Also, I've been replaced at work. As of August 30th, I will no longer be a newspaper editor. I kind of brought this on myself, because I told my boss that I couldn't work in the office like I used to but I would work til he could replace me. That was over a month ago and it was never mentioned again, so I thought he had decided that I didn't HAVE to be in the office. And I guess that is what he decided, just not in the same manner I was thinking.

I have never so much in my life wanted to quit a job with absolutely no notice. It's stupid, because it's just a job, but my heart is breaking right now. I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I love my job. I have the opportunity to stay, but in a far different capacity. And while I have said yes for the time being, I don't know that I really want to stay at all. It's stupid, but I almost feel betrayed. Which is dumb because I'm the one who said, "I can't do this so replace me if that's what you need."

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I mean, obviously, I have plenty to do with 2 kids. But I don't want my entire identity to be tied to being at home all day with my children, no matter how much I adore that part of my life. My job is my sanity some days. It's my interaction with others and it's also the way that I am able to provide all the extras that I like to do for my kids.

I'm rambling because my head is all over the place. I could have cancer and I definitely no longer have my job. I know this sounds so much worse than it really is and I know there are people who have it far worse than I do. I just need a pity party today.

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