This has been a horrible week. The baby has now screamed every day for extended periods every day since Monday. And I'm stuck here 13 hours a day while Micah is at work. It's gotten so bad that Jay has gone in his room the last 2 days and shut the door to get away from the noise. As bad as I feel for myself in dealing with all this screaming, my heart breaks for Jay.
For 6 years, it was just the two of us. And then Micah came along and Jay adores him and he's been daddy since very early on. But I don't think Jay really understood what was going to happen when I was pregnant. He knew I was getting fat and that we were putting new things in his room that weren't for him, but he doesn't really comprehend life changing events like this one.
I know it's been hard on him. My normally independent little guy is now stuck to my side. I actually heard him crying himself to sleep one night when Dani had been home about a week. I went in and sat with him until he fell asleep and it hasn't happened since, but I still feel horrible for him.
He's not used to sharing his mommy. And there isn't a way for me to explain all of this to him. I wonder what he thinks, inside that pretty little head of his. Does he really understand that Dani is his sister? Does he love her or realize that she will likely be the one taking care of him when I'm gone?
It hurts my heart to think about these things. I just wish I could hook him up to a little machine and read his thoughts. I don't want him to feel like we've deserted him for this new kid that came along, for him, out of seemingly nowhere.
And Dani, she is not the easy, happy-go-lucky kid that my amazing Jay is. Dani wants what she wants as soon as she wants it. I feel horrible when I have to make Jay wait for something like a drink or his favorite DVD because I'm doing something for the baby. I don't want him to resent her and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting him to tend to her.
It's not easy, regardless of what I thought when I was pregnant. I feel spread too thin. I feel like I need a vacation. I wonder how people with multiple kids and one special needs child do this.