Tuesday, December 8, 2009

On Cancer

I've lost many people that I love to cancer. I've also seen many people survive cancer and come out on the other side. This time, I don't know what will happen. I want to pray with all my heart that Micah's beloved grandmother, Bobbie, comes through her surgery tomorrow and lives for another 80 years. I know that realistically an 80 year old woman can't live for another 80 years, but if I could make that happen, I would.

I can't bear the thought of my husband losing the woman who raised him. A woman he loves more than anyone else in the world outside of our immediate little family. I know that Bobbie's death will rock our world to its very core. My husband may very well lose himself to this grief and there is nothing I can do for him.

I want to sit here tonight and pray that Bobbie lives for many more years. But the truth is, I know that removing the tumor in her breast and leg will not rid Bobbie of her cancer. It would be selfish of us to want her to live on in the pain she has been living in since August.

Tonight, I wish that God would say to me, "Rachel, you can have one wish, what is it?" Because without hesitation I would ask for Bobbie to be healthy and outlive us all. I can't bear the thought of my husband losing Bobbie. I have lost both of my grandparents and I know this is going to be worse. I honestly believe that this lose will be worse than if I lost both of my parents at once in some horrific accident.

Even with all of these thoughts running through my mind of wanting to save and preserve Bobbie for another lifetime, I do not pray for those things tonight. Instead I pray for God's will. I know that my own selfish pleas are no good to anyone. I just pray that God does what is best, because I know that is exactly what He will do.

If it is Bobbie's time to go, then I only pray that she goes peacefully into her reward and doesn't have to suffer pain on this earth. I pray for my husband, for understanding and comfort to offer him if the worst does happen. I pray simply for God to do what is best for my family, no matter what that might be. I know that God already knows when it will be Bobbie's time to go and I will not pray in vain against His plans.

I wish that my one small voice could reach up to Heaven and change God's mind. But I know that's not how it works. I will instead count my blessings of knowing this amazing woman, who raised a perfect husband for me and continues to hold her beloved grandson on a pedestal of love even today.

Please if you are the praying kind, or even if you aren't, pray with me for God's will for Bobbie. Please pray that the rest of her life, no matter how long that may be, is peaceful and filled with the love of her family.

1 comment:

  1. will do, Rachel. I know what it's like to lose a beloved grandparent...my grandfather, the most perfect person I've ever known and was very close to, and was also the only grandparent I had left, passed away 3 years ago while I was in China. I wasn't able to be there with my family for it, but I knew that it was all in His plan. You're right. We may not always agree, but He knows what's best. I'll be praying for Micah's grandmother...