This Amazing Jay

That decade just flew by

2010-12-31T12:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it (and no it's not the fact that I haven't blogged in ages) my little guy, the prince of this family, is ten years old today. Where has the time gone? How is it that I have spent a 1/3 of my life as a mommy now? How did I ever live before this little angel came into my life?

I can't believe that 10 years ago this very night, I delivered a little boy that the doctors told me wouldn't live to see the morning. I didn't know until 10 years ago today how much love my heart could hold. I didn't know that another person could make my life complete. I didn't know that I could be a mommy, much less a good mommy.

This little boy, this amazing Jay, he makes my life so much more fulfilling. He is my living, breathing miracle on earth. He is my proof that God is real and that he still works miracles. He is the reason I live and breath and without him I would be nothing. I have never loved another person as much as I love this little guy. He makes me grateful for every moment I have lived in the past ten years and for all the moments that we still have ahead of us.

this baby is growing

2010-11-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

Dani is cutting teeth. Two little white bumps for this lovely little girl. And if I said she has been all sunshine and buttercups for the last few days, I would be lying.

Have I shared Halloween pictures yet? I don't believe I have. So for your view pleasure today, Dani the penguin and Jay dressed as Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers!

missed a day

2010-11-08T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I knew it would happen. I just didn't think I would miss a day of NaBloPoMo in the first week. I don't know if I should apologize to myself or to you, my lovelies.

I will say that I had a pretty good reason. I painted Jay's new room yesterday. Then I set up the dining room in the new house and refinished both the dining room and our bedroom floors. Then I came home and ate terribly tasty Little Caesar's with my boys, made a trip to Wal-mart and watched Toy Story 3. It was a very busy day. I think I also cleaned out the smaller sun room, which will be the kids toy room.

I had been wondering if the small sunroom that is connected to both Jay's room and our room would be warm enough in the winter to be a toy room, even though it is hooked into the HVAC system and has two vents. Well, I need worry no more. When I opened one of the doors yesterday to finish cleaning stuff out of there, it was a good 30 degrees warmer than the rest of the house. And it was only 50 degrees yesterday. So no worries about the kids freezing in the winter while playing toys.

Did I mention that I got my fancy new rugs on Saturday? Oh lord, when I was fluffing the shag on the dining room rug yesterday, I've decided that is the greatest rug in the world! I threatened to roll around on it before Micah and Erin brought in my dining room table.

I can tell you now, in all honesty, that I am actually looking forward to the new house. I no longer have that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Other than the kitchen, it actually looks like my house now!

Santa baby

2010-11-06T20:38:00.000-07:00

I have 28 minutes left to post today! Don't think I forgot about you, lovely readers, because I didn't! It has been a hectic day.

Dani had her first visit with Santa today. I know it seems a little early, but my mom is in a group that always hosts a holiday bazaar this weekend and they always have Santa. And he's a good Santa, too. You know, the kind with a real beard.

I always insist on a real beard for our Santa pictures. In fact, two different years I have been at a different aunt's house for Christmas and seen the grandkids Santa pictures with a good Santa and we have gone to their local mall to get that Santa. Crazy, I am. But I hate the fake beard Santa. One year, we actually waited in line for an hour for the awesome Santa. Did I mention I'm crazy?

Thankfully, neither of my kids have had that aversion to the man in red that I've seen and heard about in other children. That could be because my dad has a white beard. Although his is pretty short and he's not chubby like Santa, I think it's enough of a similarity in looks that they don't flip out. Jay has actually looked at Santa with a puzzled look on his face before and said "Ga-Ga." (BTW Jay's pet name for his Grampa is Ga-Ga)

I promise to share the picture of Miss Dani with Santa soon, but I actually had to have mom pick them up when they were ready so that I could make a dash to Menard's for more much needed remodeling supplies. I'm pretty sure that one more trip to Lowe's will finish off everything we need to finish this house! I can't wait to share the finished project with you all!

Friday, you are the love of my life

2010-11-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

Oh Friday, how I love this day. It means 2 days away from newspapers. It means a trip to buy rugs for the new house tomorrow. It means pizza, glorious pizza! It's Friday, I'm in love!

Is that actually how the song goes? I can't remember what day it is when he is in love. It is a he, right? Now I need to go google 'It's friday, I'm in love' and see if that's even the real song. Can you tell I'm sleepy and starving?

And currently listening to my husband blather on over the phone about his new Schwan truck and how much he loves it and how it only had 7 miles on it when his boss picked it up today. Something about it being the newest vehicle he'll ever drive. And how he can't wait for Monday to go back to work!

Are you tired of my ramblings yet? I promised to blog every day this month and well, sometimes you get gems and sometimes you get this stuff. This is pretty much what my mind looks like 24/7. There are always a ton of things floating around.

I do apologize if your head hurts after reading this. I'm sure I'll read it tomorrow and wonder what I was thinking. My eyes hurt from hunger and sleep deprivation. Goodnight, lovelies.

The Pumpkin Patch and more Packing

2010-11-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

No time for a long post today, as I have been packing all day and I need to get back to it now that these children are in bed. So, just some photos of the kids from the Pumpkin Patch. We had a great day!

Packing and six months

2010-11-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

I probably should not have agreed to NaBloPoMo in the middle of packing and moving. Oh, this month is going to be crazy. I am so not ready to move, even though it seems like I've already been packing for months. I swear I pack and the stuff just multiplies while I'm at work.

In the midst of all this, Dani turned 6 months old last week! She had her 6 month well-baby yesterday. She is now 25 inches long, such a shortie!! But she went from not even registering on the height chart at 3 months to being in the 20th percentile for height at 6 months. Her doctor was pretty impressed with that! She is also up to a little over 16 pounds. I would have never guessed!

This has been a crazy 6 months. I can't believe how different it is to have a second child. I was in no way prepared for the craziness that would ensue once Dani got here! But she makes our lives better and more interesting every day.

To end this little post, I thought I would share a preview of Dani's 6 month pictures with you! I can't wait to see the rest of them.

Lucy

2010-11-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

This is something I've wanted to share with you guys for some time now, but I haven't really felt that I should because I'm not sure if it's my place.

I have a friend, someone I went to high school with, and she has a beautiful little girl that is just a few weeks younger than Dani. In fact, if I remember correctly they were due about 6 days apart. They both came early, Dani just decided to show up a little sooner than Lucy.

Tomorrow, sweet Lucy will be having her second heart surgery. Lucy was diagnosed with Down Syndrome very early in the pregnancy and shortly after the doctors discovered that she had a serious heart defect.

I don't want to share a lot, because I haven't spoken to her mommy about sharing with you but I would like to ask you all to pray for Lucy, her surgeons and her family as she goes into heart surgery tomorrow morning.

I've been where her family is and I know how hard and stressful this time is for them. Please remember Lucy tomorrow morning. It would mean the world to me and Lucy's family!

Remodeling?

2010-11-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've decided this year to participate in NaBloPoMo. Since I don't find the time to blog regularly, I thought this might help me get in the habit and hopefully I can keep up with it after the month is over.

We have been working on the new house for over a month now and the changes are amazing. I can't wait to have time to actually take pictures of the finished rooms. But let me just tell you that Micah carried out my vision of a bathroom with black walls and white wainscoting. Oh, it's a dream. I've already told Micah and the kids that the small bathroom is off limits to them, but I don't think they'll listen.

Would you like to see the scary small bathroom before my husband started on it? It's a super small space and because it was Micah's grandpa's bathroom, it hadn't really been used in the 5 years since he passed. Just a warning, I do not exaggerate when I say it was small and scary. You probably shouldn't let the kids see this. ;)

It's still small, but I think it may be my very favorite room in the house. Especially after going a month without a toilet in either bathroom. I did a little dance when Micah finished this and I will admit to fighting to be the first person to get to use this bathroom.

I met a man at Wal-mart

2010-10-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the kids and I went to Wal-mart to pick up some groceries and pictures. As we were standing in line at the photo counter, a man who was in his 70's started talking to Jay. He asked me how old he was and when I replied that he was almost ten, the man commented on how small he was. So I told him that Jay only weighed 1 pound and 14 ounces when he was born. He looked at me for a minute and replied that his child weighed 2 pounds when he was born and lived 20 hours.

It stopped me for a moment. I could see that even 50 years later, this man was still a father to that child. He told me that he always thought if the baby had made it to Riley he would have survived. So I told him that Jay was born just on that medical campus and I was sure that made all the difference for him.

He was quiet for a few minutes and then he told me that 5 months later his wife died of cancer at the age of 23. As I thought about it, I realized that this man had probably never remarried. And in 5 months he had buried his family. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he went on to have a dozen more kids with is 2nd wife. But I have the sneakingest feeling that he didn't.

I don't know why this seemingly innocent conversation has weighed so heavy on me the last 2 days. I have always been thankful for everything that was done to save Jay's life.

This man asked me how old Dani was and then asked if she was okay, which I will admit made me laugh a little. I told him she was just fine. He wanted to know if she came early and I told him just a few weeks. He wished me luck, blessed Jason's little heart and went on his way.

I'll probably never see him again. But he is still with me. Still here reminding me that we don't all get the chance that I did. I won't call it luck and I won't say that I'm extra blessed because I don't believe God loves me more than anyone else. But I will say that I lead a very blessed life.

Messy girl

2010-10-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I swear that Dani is the messiest eater I have ever met. Since the day she was born this child has been flinging formula around the room like a crazy person. And now that she has discovered the tasty, tasty treat of carrots the messes have never been bigger.

Big news for our little family

2010-10-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

I've had some really big news that I wanted to share, but we wanted to make sure our bases were covered here at home and no one would be finding out from my blog what our big news was before we had a chance to tell them.

So now, dear friends, I can share my news with you. We're moving! We have decided to sell our house and buy Bobbie's house. The work has already begun. We've got her house cleaned out. And this weekend the remodeling begins. Well, I guess it already began because my dear husband decided to demo the bathrooms last weekend before the dumpster left.

This weekend we will be re-doing the small bathroom and ripping up carpet to get to the original hardwood floors. And in classic Bobbie style, when I pulled up a corner of the carpet in each room to see the hardwood, it was in perfect condition.

As we travel on this new journey, I'm both happy and sad. Happy because my husband is going back to his childhood home to raise our family. Happy because I will have a shorter commute to work and taking Jay to school. Sad because I have to paint again. And sad because even though we have outgrown this house, I love it dearly. This is the home where we spent our wedding night. This is the home where we brought our daughter home for the first time. And sad because I don't like change.

At the same time, I'm very excited to have almost double the square footage we have now. And for my kids to have a playroom so that they aren't stringing toys across my entire house. And super excited that I will have a sunroom that is not only bigger than the sunroom we have in this house (I swear it's as big as our living room, dining room and kitchen combined) but that it will be mine. My own little retreat, studio and office. The place where all of my pictures can finally come out of boxes and be displayed again. Yeah, I think that might be my favorite part!

I am planning to share pictures as we embark on this new adventure. I took pictures of what the house looked like with all of Bobbie's things in it, then I took pictures of the house empty and I'm really excited to share both of those and remodeled pictures with you very soon!

The world just lost a great lady

2010-09-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a month and lord, it has been a crazy month. Micah's grandmother, Bobbie, passed away almost a month ago. You may remember me talking about her before when she first got sick. That amazing lady, who was given 6 weeks to live at the first of the year, made it 8 long months. She was a fighter and honestly before the cancer got to her, she was probably the healthiest person I knew.

Micah always says that you can tell a person how amazing someone is and they will say, "Yeah, sure everyone says their grandmother is amazing." But Bobbie truly was. She was really one of the greatest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She raised my husband and she did an incredible job. Every day I see something of her in him. I told her more than once that I was so grateful for how she raised Micah and I hope with all my heart that she knew how much I appreciated the husband that she gave me.

And she was such a regal lady. She was a class act. And honestly that's not something you see much today. I love this picture of Bobbie because she looks so dignified. I actually printed a copy just for her funeral boards because I love this picture of her. She reminds me of the queen mother.

I wish I had scanned some of the older pictures we found of Bobbie while we were cleaning her house. I always thought that Bobbie was a pretty lady, but she was absolutely gorgeous when she was younger. Bobbie made Marilyn Monroe look plain. I am planning to scan all the old pictures to make a memory book sometime soon, so I will share someday.

The thing that breaks my heart the most is that my daughter will never have a Bobbie. I could see them having lunch and shopping for fancy little girl dresses. I could see them working on Bobbie's flowers together and sitting in her sunroom on a warm afternoon. Not every child is lucky enough to get a grandmother like Bobbie, I certainly wasn't, and it hurts me to know that my daughter will never have that amazing relationship.

The world truly lost a great lady. Bobbie touched so many lives and she has touched mine more deeply than I think she ever knew.

There is much more going on around here and I promise to update you on all the exciting happenings in our life soon. I just don't want to take away from this post by sharing other things. I promise I won't be gone another month.

Update

2010-08-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

If any of you were wondering, my job situation has gotten much better. I realize now that I'm no longer a newspaper editor because I chose not to be. I just didn't really think that my boss would call my bluff.

But if you know me, you know that I can't give up the newspaper game so easily. I kind of love it, but don't tell anyone. ;) So, I'm staying. Selling ads and doing office work. I didn't want to leave and it seems they don't want me to leave, either! Yay me.

All of this to say, I overreact. I flip out too easily and I'm working on that. I guess all's well that ends well.

Now I'd like to share with you a conversation I had with a co-worker today. I'm back in the groove and oddly, I couldn't be happier!

What has Jay been up to?

2010-08-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

I realized last night that I haven't posted much about Jay lately. It's not because we love him any less with the arrival of Dani Bean, I swear my love for that kid multiplies on a daily basis. I thought nine years ago that I could never love him more than I did when he was born. But everyday it gets bigger and better, folks!

Jay has had a pretty uneventful summer. He has been adjusting nicely to being a big brother. I took some pictures of the kids the other day and when I showed them to Micah he said you can just see in Jay's smile how much he loves Little Miss Bean.

Jay has also discovered that a cat named Lemmy might just be the best friend a kid could ever have.

Jay has had a major growth spurt this summer. I swear I put a shirt in the too little box every other day of the week. He's outgrowing clothes faster than I can buy new ones. We no longer shop in the toddler department, which makes me sad. My baby is growing up and he's just not my little baby anymore. I can't believe that in a few short months, my baby will be a decade old!

And next week, he's going to start fourth grade!! Oh my, how the time has flown. I've always heard that times goes faster the older you get and after this summer home with my kids, I believe that's true.

This amazing boy makes me happy every day! It's still hard to believe that a baby the doctors said wouldn't make it through the first night of his life is our tumbling bumbling, wickedly funny 9 year old.

food for babies

2010-08-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

So, Dr. C told me at Dani's 2 month check-up that she couldn't have food until we came back for her 4 month check. Easier said than done, Dr. C, easier said than done.

Dani decided a few weeks ago that maybe if she stared at Jay eating his yogurt cup long enough, she would get some. And she was right. I put a little on her lips and that baby went crazy licking it up! Well, I didn't want to keep giving her yogurt so the next day I got some baby bananas (organic, of course) and let her try those out. She didn't seem too interested, so I dropped it.

But last night, this baby was fussy and formula just didn't seem to be doing the trick. Half a stage 1 package of applesauce and a bottle later, she slept for 10 hours!! Tonight she finished off the other half of the container!

Now I am totally generally all about doing what the doctor tells me. When you have a 28 week preemie you learn to strictly follow medical advice. But in this case, I don't think I'm hurting anything. Right?

So tell me, mamas, when did you start letting your little ones eat real food. I'm curious to know since Jay was almost 3 before he could eat solids.

big girl bath

2010-08-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

After my mass of complaining the last few days, I figured I owed it to you guys to do a happy post!

The day Dani came home from the hospital, Micah and I put her in a baby tub on our dining room table and gave her a bath. She looked like a little tub toy in that thing, because she was so very tiny when we brought her home. So from then on, since Micah is still at work at bathtime, I decided to use a big rubbermaid bowl for her bath. It was the perfect size until recently, when her legs started hanging out of the side of the bowl and she looked very cramped.

So last weekend, I went to the store and brought home a fancy bath seat and Dani got to take her very first bath in our big tub!

She loved it and I was comfortable bathing her in it! And Micah did a pretty good job of taking some pictures for me.

She was a little shocked but we didn't have any screaming!

And Miss Dani Bean finally got to wear her new bathrobe from our friends David and Liz, who now live in California.

I'm so glad that Micah was home to experience this with us! He misses out on so much when he's working and this was definitely something I wanted him to be able to share. And if you're wondering, yes my hair is generally always in my face.

3 months

2010-08-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

My beautiful little Dani Bean had her 3 month pictures taken this morning. I decided to use one of her little rock star outfits and a bass that matched from Micah's vast collection. I just received a sneak peek and wanted to share!

done

2010-08-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm just done. So completely over it all. I know that I have to finish out the month at work, but I honestly don't care anymore. I just want it to be September. So I don't have to worry about these papers anymore.

I bounce around. I do care and then I don't. Right now, I could care less if these papers go out this week. I just want to turn in my computer and all my files and walk away from the whole thing.

Obviously, I'm still feeling a little hurt. I missed a birthday party for my 4 year old cousin yesterday because I just couldn't force myself to look at anyone. Knowing that I've been replaced, knowing that it happened so easily, hurts me. I honestly thought I would be doing this job until I retired someday.

Now that won't be happening. I really don't know what to do with myself. I had the perfect job and now I have nothing. I've been offered a chance to stay. Become the features editor and have my own column every week. Sell a few ads here and there for straight commission. But at this point I'm so hurt that I don't want to do those things.

I just want to crawl in a hole away from the world and be done. I know that I sound dejected and I know that I have so much more going on than just a job. But it was my job, dangit, and I am going to miss it like crazy.

I feel like they don't want me anymore and this offer of something else, something "better" is just a way of not hurting my feelings any more than they already have. It's a way of appeasing me so I don't leave angry. Because at the end of the conversation, G said "maybe you just want to walk away because you have enough going on at home." Which to me is just a nice way of saying that they don't want me, don't need me and I don't have to feel guilty walking away.

bad week

2010-08-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

This week has been horrible. If it could go wrong, it has.

The doctor's office called to remind me of those lovely pre-cancer cells in my cervix that they found during my pap when I was pregnant with Dani. I hadn't actually forgotten them, I was just hoping maybe they would go away. Because in all honesty, I am scared to death of having cancer. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to have a hysterectomy.

I don't even know what to think of these cells, at one point they were called pre-cancer. Then when B called from my doctor's office, she called them high grade. I have no godly idea what that is supposed to mean. Are high grade cells worse than pre-cancer? This makes about the 3rd time in my life when I wished I had majored in nursing instead of pre-law.

Also, I've been replaced at work. As of August 30th, I will no longer be a newspaper editor. I kind of brought this on myself, because I told my boss that I couldn't work in the office like I used to but I would work til he could replace me. That was over a month ago and it was never mentioned again, so I thought he had decided that I didn't HAVE to be in the office. And I guess that is what he decided, just not in the same manner I was thinking.

I have never so much in my life wanted to quit a job with absolutely no notice. It's stupid, because it's just a job, but my heart is breaking right now. I want to be a stay-at-home mom, but I love my job. I have the opportunity to stay, but in a far different capacity. And while I have said yes for the time being, I don't know that I really want to stay at all. It's stupid, but I almost feel betrayed. Which is dumb because I'm the one who said, "I can't do this so replace me if that's what you need."

What am I supposed to do with myself now? I mean, obviously, I have plenty to do with 2 kids. But I don't want my entire identity to be tied to being at home all day with my children, no matter how much I adore that part of my life. My job is my sanity some days. It's my interaction with others and it's also the way that I am able to provide all the extras that I like to do for my kids.

I'm rambling because my head is all over the place. I could have cancer and I definitely no longer have my job. I know this sounds so much worse than it really is and I know there are people who have it far worse than I do. I just need a pity party today.

big blue eyes

2010-08-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in ages, yet again. I have a ton of things I want to share. But for now I just wanted to share a picture of Dani with you all. I promise to be back very soon with real posts that contain more than half a dozen sentences!

Life and the way it changes

2010-07-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

This has been a horrible week. The baby has now screamed every day for extended periods every day since Monday. And I'm stuck here 13 hours a day while Micah is at work. It's gotten so bad that Jay has gone in his room the last 2 days and shut the door to get away from the noise. As bad as I feel for myself in dealing with all this screaming, my heart breaks for Jay.

For 6 years, it was just the two of us. And then Micah came along and Jay adores him and he's been daddy since very early on. But I don't think Jay really understood what was going to happen when I was pregnant. He knew I was getting fat and that we were putting new things in his room that weren't for him, but he doesn't really comprehend life changing events like this one.

I know it's been hard on him. My normally independent little guy is now stuck to my side. I actually heard him crying himself to sleep one night when Dani had been home about a week. I went in and sat with him until he fell asleep and it hasn't happened since, but I still feel horrible for him.

He's not used to sharing his mommy. And there isn't a way for me to explain all of this to him. I wonder what he thinks, inside that pretty little head of his. Does he really understand that Dani is his sister? Does he love her or realize that she will likely be the one taking care of him when I'm gone?

It hurts my heart to think about these things. I just wish I could hook him up to a little machine and read his thoughts. I don't want him to feel like we've deserted him for this new kid that came along, for him, out of seemingly nowhere.

And Dani, she is not the easy, happy-go-lucky kid that my amazing Jay is. Dani wants what she wants as soon as she wants it. I feel horrible when I have to make Jay wait for something like a drink or his favorite DVD because I'm doing something for the baby. I don't want him to resent her and I don't want to feel like I'm neglecting him to tend to her.

It's not easy, regardless of what I thought when I was pregnant. I feel spread too thin. I feel like I need a vacation. I wonder how people with multiple kids and one special needs child do this.

I don't, in fact, sit around eating bon bons all day

2010-07-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

This will probably be a whole lot of randomness, since I don't think I have blogged in about a month. I'm sure you're wondering what has happened since the last time I had anything to say around here and the simple answer is, I went back to work.

Working at home has successfully zapped any ambition I ever had to write in my free time after doing it all day to earn a paycheck. By the time the papers are out, my house is littered with remains of Jay's super fun play time, the bottles need made, dinner needs served, baths need given and screaming, crabby children seem to have taken over the minds of my own darlings. In short, I haven't had time to blog and for that I feel guilty.

The best part about working at home is that I can do it in my pajamas with a baby in one arm and feeding Jay breakfast with the other. The worst part about working at home is that people for some reason think that I no longer work. And that means it's free reign for them on my already limited time to get things done in the day. Just because I work at home doesn't mean I'm not just as busy as I was when I still worked in the office. In fact, I'm more busy now because I'm tending two kids in the process.

But there are just some who seem to think I'm sitting around eating bon bons and watching the soaps all day. I think that every one of you stay-at-homes mom reading this will attest to the fact that is not what we do.

I have a rule. I don't work once my husband comes home at night. Because that is our time. I will admit there are times when an especially crabby baby day has caused me to break that rule because it is the only time I can get away from the screaming to actually concentrate.

It's hard not to let your work interfere with your home life when you're working at home. I think we've been pretty successful at keeping the two separate and I have to tell you that I'm loving spending every day home with my kiddos. I didn't miss these early years with Jay and I'm so glad to have a boss that will let me enjoy them with Dani, as well.

Now, I'm sure what you've been waiting for more than words from me is pictures of our growing Bean.

I promise to post more pictures of both the kiddos soon, but here's Dani to tide you over! Can you believe how big she's getting?

A Little Too Close

2010-06-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

Lemmy, our dear cat, has been getting a little too close for comfort with little Miss Dani Bean lately.

After finding him in this position two nights in a row, Lemmy has been put on notice. If I find him in the bassinet again, he's going to live with Kitty Nana.

Big Changes

2010-06-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

For the last week, I have been praying harder and more frequently than I ever have in my life. Big changes, they seem to be headed this way.

Without going into too much detail (because Micah and I have sworn not to talk about it), I can tell you that big changes could be coming to our home in the very near future. Exciting changes that involve Micah's musical career. Scary changes that will change our lives, possibly forever. Lonely changes for the both of us. But worthwhile they will be, nonetheless.

I've come to the point where I had to ask myself if I meant what I said in my wedding vows. I promised to follow wherever Micah's musical path may lead. But now, when we're on the brink of something huge, can I really do it? I gave him my 'yes' in an instant, but then I spent several days thinking about it, praying about it.

I prayed for God to lead us down the right path, even if it won't be the easiest path. In fact, it may be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I remember someone once telling me that the hardness in life is what makes us who we are.

I've given this decision completely over to God. I know that he will lead us where we need to go. And I'm ready to accept that whichever way it goes, it is God's plan for us.

I honestly asked myself if I could keep my husband from his dreams just to keep him home with me and the answer is no. I married a musician and that means that our life might not always be predictable. It's not easy but I can do hard if it means my husband can live his dream.

There will be news soon, this week I hope, and as soon as it's all concrete I promise to share with all of you. For now, I would ask that you send prayers and good thoughts our way so that we can make the best decision for our family.

Bad Mother

2010-06-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

I love my husband dearly, he is my best friend and most times I don't know what I would do without him. But on Saturday night, he made me feel like the worst mother in the history of mothers. I felt like Marie Antoinette (did she even have kids?) would have been more suited to mother my children than I was at that point.

It all started with this

We showed up to watch Micah play at a festival and everyone wanted to hold the baby. And by everyone I mean the ladies who follow the band. Women I have known for several years, who came to our wedding, one of whom was there for me when I had my miscarriage (because she had been through it 3 times) and came to our house the day we came home from the hospital to see our daughter.

I have no problem with letting people we know well hold Dani. And over the course of 6 hours, everyone wanted their chance. People were willing to hold her so I could eat and go to the bathroom. They genuinely wanted to love her and help me out.

And one couple, the ones who came to the house, were willing to set Jay with them so that I could actually enjoy myself a little bit. The husband, R., loves Jay and hung out with him the majority of the night. I always had my eye on them and Jay was loving it.

Micah decided on the way home to tell me that he didn't like the way Dani was passed around. And he didn't think I should have let Jason set a row behind me with R. I was furious with him for questioning me and also irritated because he has no idea how much work it is for me to be outside for hours with both kids and effectively tend to both of their needs. It was just people trying to help me out and he was upset with me.

Really, I wasn't trying to be a bad mother and I know that he wasn't trying to make me feel that way, but that is how it came out. I don't see anything wrong with 4 people other than myself having a turn holding the baby. It had been hot all day and she makes me even hotter so it was nice to have a little break. But I guess that won't be happening again.

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not sure. But I guess we'll try it his way next time and see how it goes.

Stupid Car

2010-06-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

After much careful planning and consideration last night, it was decided that I would go run my errands today with my dear friend Christina. Because I am so not brave enough to go out into the world yet with two kids that can't walk.

I fed Jay breakfast, sent Micah off to work, and got Dani dressed. At this point, I decided to load the car. I went out, like I always do, and put the diaper bag in the car, put my Diet Mountain Dew in the cup holder and the keys in the ignition. The I remembered that I had two strollers in the trunk and I better take them out so I could get groceries (and new baby clothes!).

My Malibu has doors that are supposed to automatically lock when I put the car in gear and unlock when I turn off the ignition. Let me say now that they only work about half the time anymore and my car isn't that old.

But I learned today that putting the key in the ignition and then popping the trunk apparently does make my car doors lock. Because when I went out 3 minutes later to put Jay in the car, his door was locked. I thought maybe I had hit the lock when I was picking up his shoe off of the car floor. So I tried the driver's door. Then the passenger door. Finally, Dani's door.

Nothing. They were all locked. And the only set of keys in the house were locked in their with my phone, too.

I couldn't just unlock the doors and I couldn't call Micah. I started to panic. It was absolutely imperative that I run errands today because it would be the last shred of free time I had until Wednesday.

I had to get creative. I got on facebook and turned on chat to see who was online. Thankfully a mutual friend of Micah and I was, so I had her call him. He hadn't left the depot yet, so he came home in his way to the route and let me in. And he wasn't even mad!

Lesson learned, From now on anytime my keys are in the car a door will be open.

On killing an old friend

2010-06-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

I have officially done it. I'm a murdered, at least according to my husband. I killed his Xbox 360.

While I was home on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy, I discovered that I could watch every season of Law and Order Criminal Intent instantly on Netflix through the Xbox. I may have spent upwards of 12 hours a day doing so. And a week later, Micah may have turned on the Xbox only to receive the ominous 'Red Ring of Death." Oops.

Micah was brokenhearted because he couldn't play his new game. I was devastated because I had 7 more season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to watch.

So I got Netflix to send me a disk so that I can watch Netflix on the Wii. We are now in season five of Buffy. Our Wii has never gotten this much use in the year we've had it.

On dressers...

2010-06-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

....literally.

On Sass

2010-06-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

So Sassy, her little shirt says. And let me tell you, this little lady has sass in spades.

Or something like that.

The only thing that made this child happy all day was laying on the floor with Jay.

And when he scooted away, she started screaming. So I bribed him with a drink of soda to come back. Because my sanity is important and worth a little possible Jay slobber in my drink.

On being a bad blogger

2010-05-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that my posts have been few and far between lately. I'm just here, enjoying every minute with my new family of four. I never realized that being a work-at-home mom would be so consuming. I swear I work harder keeping this house in order than I ever have in a day at the newspaper.

But this face makes my hard work and lack of time for myself very worthwhile.

Jay gets out of school on Tuesday, so my life will be a little less hectic since I won't have to drive 20 minutes to his school twice a day. Of course, I'll also be home alone with 2 kids for 14 hours a day, so maybe it won't be any less hectic. We shall see.

On songs and three years

2010-05-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today was Dani's due date! I can't believe she's already 3 weeks old. But today is another special day at our house. Three years ago today, Micah and I went on our first date. He took Jason, my godson Ryan, and I to see Spiderman 3. I can't believe how the last three years have flown.

Micah has always reminded me of the Brad Paisley song, He Didn't Have to Be (don't feel bad if you don't know it, I don't listen to country either. I just happen to love Brad Paisley.) It's a song about a step-dad who is such a great dad to his stepson that when the son grows up he hopes that he's half the dad that his step-dad didn't have to be. There is a line in the song that says, "He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go." Micah took me out to a movie and it was just assumed that Jay would go along. Talk about impressive!

That date, May 18th, completely changed my life. I had known Micah for a few years, but we had never dated. Even though a friend tried to set us up on a blind date years earlier, we just weren't in the right place to be in a relationship. I'm so glad I 'met' him again at Wal-mart after all that time!

When I was on my way to pick Jay up from school, I heard a song and texted Micah a line. "My dog Sam eats purple flowers." He responded and if you're into crazy hippie-dippy music like I am you know what he said. "Ain't got much but what we've got's ours."How true it is, we may not have it all, but we have all that matters.

And now, how about a blast from the past? I can't believe how much we've changed in the last 3 years, like I was several pounds lighter!

On my babies!

2010-05-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today I was finally brave enough to attempt a picture of Jay with Dani. It turned out better than I expected when Jay laid down on the boppy pillow that I sat Dani in!

Now that I know what works, I think we will be attempting the matching outfit picture tomorrow, with the help of daddy!

On Motorhead

2010-05-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

Let me preface my near disastrous morning story with a story. For Valentine's Day, my wonderful husband bought me a t-shirt. I was pregnant at the time and just threw said t-shirt in the top of the closet and never really thought anything else about it. I maybe wear a t-shirt a 4 times a year and I'm not a fan of a large graphic print.

But he bought me this t-shirt because it had a picture of Lemmy from Motorhead playing the bass on the front. And hubby knows that if there is anything in the world I love, it's an ugly bass player. I'm pretty sure Lemmy has the market cornered on ugly bass players. Geddy Lee comes in a close second. And God help me, I love them both.

This morning, after a collective hour of sleep, I was getting dressed to take Jay to school. I decided to throw on my Motorhead t-shirt and some pants because I was too tired to care what I was wearing. Plus, it would make Micah happy that I was finally wearing the shirt.

Let me say now that I don't just pull up in front of the school and drop Jay off. I get out of the car, walk through the school, passing many teachers that have known me since I was Jay's age and usually stand in his room for a few minutes before going outside. This is important to the story, I promise.

God was watching over me this morning. Because in a move very uncharacteristic of my normal getting dressed routine, I turned the shirt with the back facing me for a second before I pulled it over my head. And that's when I saw it. There was no way I was wearing this shirt. There was some mighty graphic language on the back of said shirt. I would have probably been asked to remove it when I walked into the school. Yeah, it was that bad.

After I put the shirt back down on the bed, I called Micah into the bedroom. I yelled, "I can't wear this shirt." and he looked at me like I was nuts. I then asked him to look at the back of the shirt. He swears that the display only showed the front and he simply grabbed one in my size and walked to the register. So neither of us were smart enough to unfold the shirt anytime in the last 3 months.

Now, if you are offended by f-bombs and the b-word, please stop reading this post now. Because I am about to post a photo of the shirt just to make the point that I could not wear this thing. I am not usually offended by strong language, but OH MY!

On Mother's Day

2010-05-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

As my best friend Amy said, this year I had my first "double" Mother's Day. It was a great but bittersweet day. While I was showered with love by my children, husband and parents, I couldn't help but remembering that this is my first Mother's Day without a grandmother. It's a strange feeling to realize that you are no one's grandchild anymore.

Bobbie (Micah's grandmother - you may remember my earlier post about her) is very sick. Back in January, I believe, the doctors gave her 5 weeks to live. She has definitely surpassed that but I know that her quality of life isn't what it once was. It amazes me to see how much she has aged in the last year. She is a shell of her former self and it breaks my heart, both for her and my husband. I know what it's like to lose a grandparent, but in Micah's case he's really losing his mother. Bobbie raised him and every day I can see her influence on him. He told me on Sunday that to him, Bobbie is his mother. It just doesn't seem fair and while I know that everyone has to go sometime, I wish Bobbie didn't have to go like this.

Dani was introduced to Micah's other grandmother for the first time on Mother's Day. His dad is just so in love with this little girl and he was so excited for us to come by Micah's grandmother's house so he could show her off to his whole family. It was the first time I had ever met Micah's dad's family, so it was a little strange for me but all in all a good day.

Speaking of Dani, I'll share a picture of my adorable daughter with you from our first Mother's Day together.

On Daddy alone for the first time

2010-05-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I was released from the hospital. I had a few prescriptions to fill and we needed groceries, so I decided to brave Meijer 4 hours after I was released from the hospital. Maybe a little crazy, but after being cooped up in a hospital for 4 days I was excited for an opportunity to get out by myself, have a diet Mountain Dew and stroll through the grocery aisles.

Micah stayed home with Jay and Dani. I didn't think anything too crazy could happen. And then I called on my way home. Mind you, I was gone less than an hour. And in that hour, all kid heck broke loose.

Jay had decided that he wasn't going to poop while he was at Nana and Ga-Ga's house. Why, I'm not really sure. But being home for an hour was ample opportunity for him to remove his clothes and diaper and poop on the bedroom floor. Micah found him quickly and cleaned up the mess and put him in the tub.

After Jay's bath, Dani was waking up and Micah was getting Jay a diaper when Jay decided that it was a good time to pee the bed. Micah said he turned around from the diaper stacker and Jay was peeing all over his blankets and pillow. Dani was ready to be fed and had started to fuss.

I laughed, because at the point he was telling me about it, things were calm again. Jay was watching Veggie Tales, Dani was full and asleep and I had somehow luckily missed the whole adventure. I told him it was their way of breaking him into the parenthood of two children. The next morning held an interesting experience for the both of us that I will share in another post. I will tell you that things have been fairly calm since then, but we will see what happens when Micah gets off work tonight and Jay comes home from Nana's. It may be another interesting weekend!

On jealousy

2010-05-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot in the past week about having my tubes tied. Not contemplating it, but thinking about it after the fact. I willingly had my tubes tied last Monday during my c-section. I asked my doctor at my first OB appointment to tie my tubes at delivery. I had no issues with no longer being able to have children. I knew that I only wanted two kids and I knew I didn't want to take birth control pills or the shot for the rest of my child bearing years.

I'm not regretting my decision, because I know that I don't want anymore kids. What I'm struggling with is the fact that Micah could still have kids, if he wanted to. We could get divorced (God forbid) and he could go out and have another family with someone else. Okay, I don't really think that is going to happen, but I'm sure no one really thinks something like that is going to happen to them.

I know this seems stupid, but I have been thinking about this and I just need to get it out before it drives me crazy. For the record, I talked to Micah about this last night and he assured me that he has no plans of going around making babies with anyone else. It just bugs me that he still could.

On the birth of Dani

2010-05-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

Whew, it has been a crazy week and a half around here. I can't believe that 2 weeks ago I was still pregnant. It seems like Dani has been here longer than she has.

I went to the hospital last Monday 2 hours before my scheduled c-section. I was a nervous wreck on the inside. You see, about a month ago I had the realization that Dani had to come out somehow. And I knew she wasn't going to come out in the traditional way because of the interior cut I had during Jay's c-section. I started thinking that the spinal wouldn't work and I would feel them cutting me open. I started to freak out thinking that I could die during the operation and leave Micah with 2 kids. I was a mess.

Thankfully, neither of those things happened! I was nervous when the anesthesiologist started putting the needle in my back. I was freaking out when my toes started getting tingly. By the time they put the curtain up, I could still move my toes. That had me paranoid that I would be able to feel something. But I felt nothing like I was expecting, just some weird pulling and prodding sensations. The worst part was when my doctor tied my tubes and they told me that was because your nerve endings don't go numb inside.

Micah was incredible, he held my hand the whole time. He was worried about me every time I winced or made a strange face. I had eyes full of tears when the nurse brought Dani around the curtain so I could see her for the first time. And when I looked up and Micah was crying, I lost it.

Micah held her the whole time they finished my surgery so I could touch her and look at her. When she opened her eyes for the first time, he leaned her over so that I could see her eyes, too. I was a little disappointed that he got to hold her first, but when they moved me to another bed to take me to recovery, the nurse gave her to me.

It was amazing. It made me wish I had been awake when I had Jay, so that I could have seen him shortly after he was born.

On Dani

2010-05-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to post this, faithful blog readers. The last week has been a whirlwind of activity at our house.

Dani Marie Agnes was born last Monday, April 26th at 1:21 p.m. She weighed 5 pounds and 2 ounces and was 18 inches long. She is incredible and beautiful and Micah, Jay and I are so in love with her!!

Delivery was seamless and I realized during the operation that I had gotten myself worked up for nothing. I promise to post her birth story soon, I want to write it down before I forget a single moment of the experience. But for now, I'm off to feed a stirring little one!

On one year

2010-05-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

Happy First Anniversary to my amazing husband!! (Even though I won't let him read my blog)

I can't believe it's already been a year since we were married. Look at us now. A new baby and the rest of our lives ahead of us! If we live to 80, we'll be married 50 years. Well, if I make it to 80 that is, since Micah never tires of saying that I'm older than he is. For the record, it's only 8 months but we got married during that time of the year when I am a year older.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with Micah, I'd say he's the best husband I've ever had!

On almost a year, part 7

2010-05-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Whew, I can't believe we're already to Saturday with this. Feel free to stop reading if I'm boring you with the pictures, I promise it will be over tomorrow!

I needed someone to fix my shoe. To make fun of me, Micah and Jerry did this...

He's lucky I love him.

On almost a year, part 6

2010-04-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

By this point, I'm sure I am happy that I had the idea to schedule all of these posts last Sunday!

I love that we didn't choose diamonds for my wedding and engagement rings. Both rings are sapphires, but you can't see my wedding band very well in this picture.

On almost a year, part 5

2010-04-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday, which means if all goes well I will be headed home from the hospital today! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed!!

Now, it's time for the wedding picture of the day.

This is our dear friend, Adam. This was also the very last picture on my dvd of photos from the wedding. I tweeted the picture at Adam the week after the wedding and told him that it made me laugh that this was my last picture. He said I should title it, when geeks make music. I just love it that he has flip-flops on with his tux. For the record, by this point I also had flip-flops on under my wedding dress.

On almost a year, part 4

2010-04-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Are you sick of these pictures yet? I hope not, but I have a feeling I might be if I weren't me.

My two best friends, Amy and Nick, who made everything I had to get done so much easier. Remember that beautiful cake from earlier? Nick was actually the person who waited at the church for the baker!

On almost a year, part 3

2010-04-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

Time for today's picture! I hope you guys are enjoying this as much as I am!!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Micah and I from the wedding!

On almost a year, part 2

2010-04-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's Monday and as you are looking at today's photo, I'm probably laying in surgery or in the recovery room. I promise pictures of Bean, plus a reveal of her entire name(which now includes 2 middles, just like Jay) as soon as I feel up to it. For now, enjoy another photo from our wedding!

I loved this cake, so much that I was eating it out of the box once we got home that night. I couldn't believe how many people thought it was beautiful! I was afraid people would think it was weird that we had chocolate frosting!

On almost a year, part 1

2010-04-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday, April 25th. Which means that one year ago today, I was getting ready to go get a new tattoo and then head to dinner and the casino with my closest friends for a Bachelorette Party. I can't believe that 1 week from today, I will be celebrating our first anniversary with my wonderful husband. It's funny that the week I was looking forward to last year is also the week I have been looking forward to this year. I guess Micah and I didn't waste any time baking beans. ;)

In celebration of our one year anniversary, I thought I would share a different picture every day this week from our wedding. Just a few of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them, because I will be in the hospital recovering from a c-section(not so enjoyable) and getting to know my daughter(very enjoyable)!

This is the amazing Jay with our dear friends Erin and David. I love that Erin is holding Jay's hand, to me it shows how much she loves him! And David had just come home from spending 18 months in Iraq, just in time for our wedding!

On Saturdays

2010-04-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Micah plays in a band most Saturday nights. Which means that Jay and I have an evening to ourselves. Right now, I'm trying to enjoy our very last mom/jay Saturday night. And by enjoy, I mean listen to Jay repeatedly push the button on a Cookie Monster saxophone for the last hour. My patience is running thin and now I remember why Micah and I hide this toy for months at a time. He only got it back today because I found it thrown in Bean's crib.

I can't believe how different our lives will be in less than 48 hours. I am excited but at the same time, I feel bad for Jay. He's spent 9 years as an only child. I've spent 30 that way and I know I wouldn't have appreciated my parents having a baby when I was 9.

Jay has also been the only grandchild for 9 years. Oh my, this is going to be an adjustment for him. I'm not sure he really gets exactly what is happening and I wish I knew how to make him understand that next week there will be another person living here. I know he'll get used to it, I just hope that he actually enjoys it and doesn't feel slighted by us having another baby. I wish he could understand how hard it is for me, too. I'm used to having one child and I'm not yet sure what to do with two.

I wish I could be like my dear husband, who is currently still oblivious to how much different life is going to be around here. Is it wrong that I'm secretly waiting for the moment he realizes it, just so I can giggle at him?

On being MIA

2010-04-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have been a very bad blogger for the last few weeks. I haven't posted blogs and I haven't read blogs. I have no excuses, as I had plenty of time to do both because I've been on bed rest for the last 2 weeks.

At my appointment 2 weeks ago with the MFM specialist, it was decided that I would have an amnio to check Bean's lungs and if they were fully developed I would be having a c-section last Friday. When my results came back, the Dr. said there was a 5% chance Bean would need some form of assistance breathing (oxygen, most likely) and she wasn't willing to take that chance.

After twice weekly NST and ultrasounds, Bean will be coming into the world next Monday around 1 p.m. I have five days left, but I am excited to report that yesterday I hit 36 weeks!! I did something I didn't think was possible, I now know what it feels like to be 9 months pregnant!!

As for bed rest, I've been watching a lot of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And I've stayed away from the computer. My only logical reasoning is that the computer reminds me of work (I'm a newspaper editor) so in relaxing I have stayed away from my beloved macbook.

Everything is going great, Bean seems to look like Jay from the 3d ultrasound the tech snuck in before my amnio!! I just hope she has his red hair, although Micah's gramma has said that Bean will be a brown haired, blue eyed little girl.

I promise not to disappear for so long again. I'll make an effort to blog daily in the last part of this bed rest.

On high chair safety

2010-04-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

This is obviously a topic I know nothing about, if this photo is any indication.

No Jay's were hurt in the making or taking of this photo. He is not crying in the photo, he was laughing his crazy head off.

On things I don't know

2010-04-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

I realized yesterday that there are many things I do not know about birthing babies. Which is a little scary, considering the fact that I have a nine year old son. I will admit it, I'm clueless on some subjects.

Like, do you still boil baby bottles? Older ladies keep telling me to boil them and everything I've read online says I don't have to boil the bottles. I don't know what to do. And I don't have another appointment with my doctor until Tuesday and knowing me I will forget to ask her, because I always forget to ask things until I am in the car on the way back to work.

Also, do you still make formula with sterile or nursery water? When I had Jay we had well water, so I always made his formula with sterilized water. But now that I live in town, is it necessary?

I finally put batteries in the little attachable vibrating/music playing/light up thing that clips to my bassinet last night. The light is awesome, Micah says the music is creepy and not allowed, and the dang thing vibrates so loud that it would wake the dead. How is that supposed to help a baby sleep? It sounds like a chopper landing in the bedroom. Good thing it came as part of the bassinet and I didn't pay for it.

Another thing. Do I need a bottle warmer? I always just made Jay's formula and put it in a feeding tube, so I know nothing about warming a bottle that a baby is going to drink. I believe I nuked it when Jay was little or just made it room temperature.

I guess it just boils down to me being absolutely clueless about feeding babies.

On Cheetos

2010-03-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday and that means I should be introducing you to someone. I chose my dear friend, Erin, who has already volunteered to watch a marathon of all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls with me while I'm on maternity leave. But, I decided to save my dear friend for next week in order to introduce you to a pregnant lady's best friend. Cheetos Mighty Zingers.

So lovely, so tasty. Cajun and ranch. My new best friends. And if Micah isn't careful, the new love of my life.

On things I shouldn't say, but really want to

2010-03-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

I am having an incredibly difficult time tonight not sending a very nasty e-mail to someone calling them a cow. I know that wouldn't be nice or mature, which is the reason I'm not sending said e-mail. Plus, Micah would kill me if I did. But I really, really want to.

You may remember me posting back in December about Micah's bass teacher and our good friend who was killed. Several months before he died, Micah gave him an old bass to replace one that had been stolen out of his car a few months earlier. It wasn't an expensive bass, I believe it was a Squier, which is a cheaper version of a Fender. It was something Micah had in his younger days, before he became addicted to boutique basses, and he kept it around because his gramma wanted to learn to play bass.

In all honesty, the thing would probably be worth $50 if you sold it to a music store. It was not expensive. It was a probably a few hundred dollars brand new and it had been hanging around the house for years. I tell you this so that you will understand why the next part of this little story makes me so angry.

A few months ago, the guys in the band and some other friends talked about organizing a benefit for Doug's parents to help them with funeral expenses. Everything was cruising along, until his ex-wife and the mother of his daughter chimed in and decided that it should be a benefit held every year to raise money for their daughter's college education. I can assure you that none of us would have a problem with this, if we didn't know that Doug's parents had to pay for his funeral, an expense they obviously weren't looking to incur at that point in their lives. Plus, Doug had a sister around our age who is disabled and still lives at home. So, it's not like these are wealthy retired people.

Fast forward to tonight. Micah asked one of the other guys in the band, Mark, who was very close to Doug, if he knew if Doug's parents still had the bass because Micah would like to play it tomorrow night at Doug's benefit. Mark says that he talked to the ex-wife when she was cleaning out Doug's stuff and told her that bass was given to Doug by Micah and that she should send it back to Micah. Which leads to Mark telling Micah that all of Doug's instruments were or will be sold to raise money for Katie.

At this point, I say what the heck. To raise money for Katie?? She's like 8 years old. What does she need money for? Besides that point, none of this stuff was worth anything as one of the other former members of the band who runs the music store told her. So basically, you could keep these instruments for your daughter to decide what SHE wants to do with them later in life or you can make a few hundred dollars by selling them now. Micah and I do not have a problem with her not keeping the bass, but we would have paid her for the stupid thing just to have it back. If Katie wanted it, we're fine with that. But I don't really think she had a say. And if the ex-wife needed the money for Katie that badly(which I don't believe she did), we would have gladly given her whatever amount of money the music store was going to pay her for the bass.

All of this to say, my husband is very upset. I am livid. And I think the reason it makes me so mad is that no matter what my financial situation might be if something ever happened to Micah, selling his basses would not be an option. I know my husband has over $50,000 in music equipment and I would never sell it. Because to me, every one of those basses is Micah. Even if he were my ex-husband I would keep those things for my children. Because I know how much Micah loves music. And I know how much Doug loved music. It's not about us having that bass back, it's about keeping the things that matter most to a person. It breaks my heart to think that she let a lifetime of Doug's memories go for a few hundred dollars, if she did in fact sell these things.

On Shotguns and Raccoons

2010-03-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

I had completely forgotten this story, until I read This post by Brooke. Her big, scary bird made me remember my big scary raccoon.

Yes, I did make that picture super big just to scare you. And no, this isn't my actual raccoon. It was way too dark and he was way too all up in our garage for me to take a picture of him, anyway.

I came home on Valentine's night from seeing Micah's band play to see something strolling across the front lawn. I thought it was a cat. Oh no, it was the biggest raccoon I have ever seen in my life. Walking across a lawn in TOWN. I mean, I've seen some big scary possums and raccoons during my 20-some years on the farm, but I never expected to see this in our subdivision.

I flip out. I call Micah, who is on break from playing at a venue about 6 minutes from our house. I tell him he has to come home right now because there is a raccoon on the loose and Jay and I are stuck in the car. Plus, I forgot to leave the porch lights on and I can't see crap. And Micah forgot to close the garage door before he left, so this thing is hanging out in the garage just waiting to give me rabies.

He, of course, can't come home because he has to be onstage in less than 2 minutes. I finally decide to make a run for the house and grab the shot gun and fire a warning shot to scare the raccoon. Until my husband tells me you can't shoot guns inside city limits and my mom tells me you can't shoot a gun when you're 7 months pregnant. Who is making these rules??

I finally made a run for the house to unlock the door and turn on the porch lights. I then ran back out, screaming to scare the raccoon, to grab Jay from the car. All of this in the pouring rain. By the time I got in the house, even my bra was soaked. Talk about a great way to spend Valentine's Day.

On ducks

2010-03-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

All I have to say today is, somebody get this kid a duck!!

Okay, that isn't really all I have to say. But how can you deny a face this cute a duck of his very own? How, Micah??

All of this to say, I want ducks. I wanted ducks when we lived on the farm and my dad said no. I want ducks now to live in the backyard and swim in our pool and Micah says no.

Micah says that you can't have ducks in the city. I say we live in the suburbs.

Micah says they would be in the pool all the time. I say that's the whole point. Why have a pool if you can't have ducks?

Micah says he thinks there are regulations on having animals in town and our neighbors would turn us in. I wonder if he's met our neighbors?

Micah says ducks poop a lot. I really have no argument for that, so that must be where he wins.

On outdoor weather!

2010-03-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is The Amazing Jay flying down a slide that is many times bigger than he is. You can't see his face, but his shrieks echoing through that giant curly slide were enough to tell Micah and me that Jay was loving the slide.

On My Amy

2010-03-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

A girl's gotta have friends and I have been blessed with a super group of them! Today, I'd like to introduce you to the other half of my best friend, My Amy.

I met Amy years ago when I become the editor of my paper. She was the graphic artist. And honestly, she's one of the best graphic artists I know. You may think that's a small number, but for some strange reason I know tons of graphic artists. Maybe because I work in newspapers?

When Amy quit her job to leave me earlier this year, I almost quit with her. That's how smoothly this lady makes my work life run. She went from being just my co-worker to the maid of honor in my wedding and soon, the godmother of little Bean.

It's hard to describe why I love Amy so much. She is probably the nicest person I know. Which is nice, because I can be the not nicest person around. She, like Micah, makes me a nicer person by association.

She loves Jay and she is so excited about Bean coming! I called her when they moved my c-section up and I can honestly say that had it not been for her enthusiasm, I would have been flipping out. But she was excited that it was moved because she is the maid of honor in another wedding the day after my first c-section date and she was going to have to wait 2 whole days to drive 4 long hours to see Bean.

Amy is younger than I am, which can cause problems in the cultural reference portion of our relationship. She didn't know the Shirt Tales. She had to ask me who Corey Haim was. But, I love her nonetheless.

If we go a day without talking, there will be a late night text somewhere along the lines of - I miss you. I can't believe I didn't talk to you today.

She was the first person to know I was pregnant. She was the first person other than Micah and me to know Bean's gender. She called me from the toilet to tell me the Fed Ex man just brought her wedding invitations.

Amy really is the best friend a girl could ask for and I'm so glad that despite a 4 hour separation, she became my best friend!

On the one I love most

2010-03-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

I must warn you before you look at this picture, I have Kate Gosselin hair. There, I said it. It's growing out, but I have it. And I will be truthful. I love it.

On books

2010-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

Remember the other day, when I said that I felt myself getting dumber because I hadn't had much time for reading lately? Well, I got a huge shock yesterday and realized how very book dumb I am becoming.

I used to set a goal of at least reading 52 books in a year. I did this for years and always exceeded my goal. So when I saw a listing on Amazon for a book titled, 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die, I was intrigued.

I decided during my lunch break to find the list online and see how many of the books I had read. I was figuring I would be somewhere in the 100 range. Boy was I wrong. Of 1001 books that I MUST read, I've read ten. Yes, ten books. That was completely unacceptable to me, so I decided I must order this book and make it my life's goal to read the other 991 books.

I was telling Micah about this find when he came home from work last night. His response - I guess you've been reading the wrong books. That's an understatement. I would estimate that I've read at least 1000 books in the last 20 years and only ten were good enough to make this list? I've read every book that CS Lewis ever wrote, excluding the Narnia series, and let me tell you that there wasn't a single Lewis on the list. That can't be right.

I guess I've got a lot of work to do, starting with The Hobbit, which my dear friend Adam and I had already discussed me getting to read to Jay since he is bored with The Lord of the Rings.

Just as a reference, here are the ten books that I have read. Thank goodness for a professor in college who made me read two of them and an ex-boyfriend who thought it was a good idea to give me another for Christmas one year. I also read three of these books in high school, which brings my total of books read by choice to two, The Black Dahlia and House of Leaves. I will admit to never finishing Les Miserables. It was terribly depressing. And I'm still working my way through Lord of the Rings.

Brave New World

Lord of the Rings

The Black Dahlia

House of Leaves (thanks, Adam!)

To Kill a Mockingbird

The Great Gatsby

Siddhartha

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

Les Miserables

A Tale of Two Cities

I swear I just felt myself lose a few IQ points.

On Nick (1/2 of my best friend)

2010-03-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

Did the title make you wonder? Most people look at me funny when I say that Nick is half of my best friend. But you see, I had the foresight to set my two best friends up on a date about 3 years ago. And now, in September, they are getting married. So, Nick really is half of my best friend. Let me tell you now, not the better half. ;)

Meet Nick (and Amy) in one of the lovely engagement pictures that their best friend took!

It was hard for me to decide whether to introduce you to Nick or Amy today. But then I remembered this crazy story and decided Nick was up first.

Let me preface this story by telling you that Nick lived in the same town that we live in. Amy lives 4 hours south of here. Since the end of last summer, they have both lived 4 hours south of me. I was used to Amy living far away, but I was used to Nick being around all the time.

At some point in the early fall of 2009, I began coming to terms with the fact that Nick was moving away. But for about a year previous, I knew he was moving. And coming to terms with his leaving was a very hard thing for me.

Some time in January of 2009, our furnace died. I was freezing, but the silly thing was running. Come to find out, it was just blowing room temperature air. Not good in a week when the projected low was -15.

I was bleaching the bathtub when Micah and I made this realization. I called Nick, because I always call Nick when stuff breaks. He's a pretty handy guy. He was on his way over and I was cleaning the bathroom when the following conversation occurred.

Micah: Are the bleach fumes getting to you?

Me: (uncontrollable bawling while sitting on the side of the tub)

Micah: Honey, what is going on? We'll get a new furnace, don't worry.

Me: Who will I call the next time it dies? Or when my car makes a funny noise? Or if the washer explodes again?

Micah: (staring at me in disbelief)

The thing about Nick is he's that rare combination of person who needs mothered but also knows how to take care of other people. When he was still here, I brought him lunch during my lunch break at work. I listened to his girl problems and helped him work things out. He was the first person I called when all hell broke loose or when Micah was being extra annoying. He is that rare person I can tell anything.

He loves NASCAR and is almost unbearable in his obsession with Dale. He has one drink and gets goofy. He flips out when Jay has seizures. He calls me cheap and Jewish just so I'll tell him to shut up. He fixes my car. He yells at me for not rotating my tires or having half a tank of gas. He calls the baby Bean.

Nick is the best friend a girl could ever ask for (or at least 1/2 of one.)

On things I miss today...

2010-03-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

Today has been off for me. This whole week has, in fact. I completely forgot to introduce you guys to someone on Tuesday. I apologize and promise to get back on track next week with my blogging. Right now I just have a big case of the missings. I'm sure it has to do with all these pregnancy hormones.

I miss my mamaw. I wish I could see her again. I wish I was still someone's granddaughter.

I miss Doug. I miss hearing the dirty things he would say. I miss seeing how happy Micah was to play with him.

I miss Nick. I miss our Thursday nights at BBW's. I miss him breaking my character in the Lego games. I miss him coming over to eat Doritos and give me crap about being Jewish. I hate that he is 4 hours away now.

I miss having a savings account and knowing that I always had the money to be any frivolous thing I wanted. Back then I didn't want things and now, for some reason, I do. I miss being unmaterialistic about things. I wish I didn't think I had to have that stupid apple patterened car sear. I wish not buying it didn't make me cry.

I miss having time to read books. I feel like I've gotten dumber in the last six months from my lack of reading.

I miss my husband working 40 hours a week and being home with me. I wish he didn't come home at 10 p.m. I wish he didn't have to have that stupid job with the great pay and insurance.

I miss living at home and seeing my parents all the time, even though it has been years since I lived there. I miss seeing my mom every day. I miss having no worries.

I apologize if this was a downer. I'm just having a downward mood swing lately. Here's to a better next week!!

On belly buttons?

2010-03-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

Micah and I went yesterday and had maternity portraits done. I feel bad, because this wasn't something that people did when I had Jay, but I really wanted these memories for Bean. I think I have two pictures of me while I was pregnant with Jay.

We got a little sneak preview from our photographer today and I wanted to share it with all of you. Please excuse my belly button. I'm still a little weirded out about showing my belly button to the world. It seems a little yucky to be, but I think belly buttons are gross.

I think I am going to have this one enlarged to a 16x20 and hang it over Bean's bassinet.

Micah loves this one.

But this is my favorite. Again, I apologize if anyone is offended or grossed out by my belly button. And yes, I do realize that I'm weird.

On laundry and other random things

2010-03-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

I have a million thoughts right now and none of them are very focused. I'm blaming pregnancy brain. So I'll just share the random bits of info floating in this head of mine, if you don't mind.

Why is it that I have at least 10 loads of laundry every week? I used to save all the laundry up for Saturday morning, but I just can't do that anymore. There are only 3 of us and 1 of us wears uniforms to work every day. How many loads am I going to have once Bean gets here? I shudder to even think about that. I'm already doing at least one load of laundry a day and I have no idea where this stuff is coming from. Maybe it's mating in the hamper? That's my only explanation right now.

I'm still torn between formula and breastfeeding. If I do formula, I want to use the Similac Organic stuff. But I feel like I'm a bad mother if I don't breastfeed. I couldn't with Jay, because my milk never came in. It should have, it just didn't. I'm wondering if that is going to happen again? If so, I'll have no choice but to do formula. I just don't know. This is such a tough decision for me and sadly, one that I have to make on my own.

I think I found someone to take my maternity portraits. I'm sad because I always take our family pictures myself. I just use the Rebel and my remote. But I honestly don't feel like it right now. But I also know me and I know that I probably won't be happy with anyone else doing it. Plus, I'm really bummed that we can't do them on our first anniversary, which was my original plan. I may still look pregnant on May 2nd, but I won't be. :(

I told Micah last night that Bean can officially come because I bought her a package of diapers. That seems so silly and really I said it to make him laugh. Like all we need are diapers and we're good to go. But that really was the last thing I needed. So I'm feeling ready in the stuff department right now, I just need to get ready in the emotional department.

I have to admit that I'm scared to death of my c-section. I know that I had one before, so it probably seems silly to feel scared. But I was asleep for Jay's and it was an emergency. I didn't really have time to think about it before it was happening. This time, all I've done for months now is think about that dreadful surgery.

If you made it this far, you have my utmost admiration. I promise to think of more interesting things to say next week.

On eight weeks

2010-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

I had an appointment with my doctor this morning. Everything was going routinely. The whole get out in 15 minutes of less formula. That's why I love my doctor. She would spend as much time with me as needed, but I rarely need much. She is always in my room before my appointment time and she doesn't dilly-dally. Pee in a cup, measure the belly, listen to the heartbeat, ask about symptoms, latest thyroid numbers and we're done.

This morning I asked when I was going to meet with the surgeon for my c-section. Since my doctor is just a GP and not an OB/GYN, she doesn't do surgeries. No big deal, I love her and though she gave me the option I didn't want to see another doctor for this pregnancy. I have, however, been seeing my high risk specialist from Jay just to have regular ultrasounds and make sure Bean doesn't have any of the issues Jay had.

As far as my doctor knew, I had a bikini cut with Jay. Which is true. What she didn't know is that I have a vertical interior cut. She has told me from the beginning that I won't have my c-section until I am 39 weeks pregnant. I chose May 14th as the day to deliver Bean. That all changed this morning, because my specialist does know about my interior cut and recommended that I have a c-section at 37 weeks.

No big deal, you might say. And truthfully everyone but me is excited at this prospect. Micah is ready. My best friend Amy is over the moon, because her other best friend is getting married May 15th so she was going to have to make a 4 hour trip up here and back on the 16th to see Bean.

But holy moly, I just lost 2 weeks. Eight weeks from tomorrow I am going to be a mommy again. And while I have many things done, I still have a whole list of things I want to get don before Bean arrives. And now I only have 8 weeks to do them. Plus, April 30th puts Bean's birth right at the beginning of our anniversary weekend. I will be in the hospital recovering from a c-section on my first wedding anniversary. I was really looking forward to being grossly pregnant on our anniversary.

I was just wishing last night that the next week would fly so that I would be down to single digit weeks. I guess I got my wish, just not in the way I was imagining.

On messes

2010-03-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

What happens, you might wonder, when I let Jay paint a masterpiece for his dad?

Jay turns into something of a masterpiece himself.

Sadly, I can't frame him.

So he had to get cleaned up by my dear friend, Erin.

Because I was very busy laughing. And taking these pictures.

And I never knew finger painting could be so much fun.

On the amazing Jay

2010-03-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday. Which means I'm going to introduce you to someone. Who better than the namesake of this blog? My amazing son, Jay.

This is my baby, Jay. Jason Edward Ritchie, if you want to get technical. But I just call him Jay most of the time, unless he's in trouble. You can gauge his degree of trouble by how many names I yell at him from the other room.

He's pretty much the most amazing person I've ever met. He has overcome a lot of the adversity that is presented to a guy who is born 12 weeks too early. He's also the strongest person I know. Jay inspires me every day.

Jay loves music. He's a big fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. We've seen there Slane Castle DVD over 100 times. He's sneaky enough to press play again if I leave the room towards the end of the DVD.

He loves to take a bath. His favorite bath time activity is to laugh so hard he falls over and gets a mouthful of water just to panic me.

Jay's best friend is his grampa. They like to set in the recliner and watch Sanford and Son. Jay likes Red Fox's deep voice. We actually own season of the show on DVD, because Jay loves it so much.

Jay loves Elmo and Veggie Tales. He has a singing Junior Asparagus that has been sleeping with him since he was a year old. It creeps Micah out because it sings, "La la, la la la la, la la la." He says it sounds demonic. I will admit that when Junior needs batteries, he even flips me out a little.

Jay's naughty. He eats play-doh, finger paints his own face, and likes to dump Lemmy's food and water bowl. His favorite place in the whole house is at his daddy's feet in the music room while dad plays bass. Jay loves drumming and he has an entire collection of real drums to play with.

It's still hard for me to believe that this little guy has been calling me Mama for 9 long years. He's a third grader and went to a new school this year. From what I can tell, he's just as loved by the students and teachers at his new school as he was at the school he went to for the last 3 years.

Jay is just a lovable little guy. I love him more than life itself. He's most definitely the love of my life. He has the amazing ability that most everyone he encounters falls in love with him, as well. I thank God every day for choosing me to be Jay's mommy. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

On those pesky blank walls

2010-03-01T18:05:00.000-08:00

You may remember that a week or two back I posted some walls in my house. All but one of those walls was covered in either my own photography or paintings. If you don't remember, here is what the walls above Bean's crib looked like.

This weekend my best friend came into town to do some wedding shopping. She drove four hours just for me to go wedding shopping with her, she's such a good best friend. Ok, she and her fiance may have also come home because he's from here and his entire family lives here but I'm going to stick with my belief that she came home only so I would go shopping with her.

We went to Hobby Lobby to find some DIY supplies and I ended up finding things for Bean's wall! She's such a good best friend that she didn't mind that I was baby shopping during her time!

Now, Bean's walls look like this:

I'm thinking she needs a shelf under the "Wish Upon A Star" sign, which is why I had Micah hang it up so high. If you're wondering, the reason she only has 2 walls is because the other side of the room belongs to Jay. I'll post the pictures of his side as soon as I get one last thing finished.

Just in case you're curious, Bean's closet has grown exponentially in the last few weeks. And I won't make you wonder how much, I'll show you!

Just ten more weeks and Bean will be here to enjoy all of this!! I can't wait to meet her!

On me

2010-02-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about my Tuesday introductions and it occurred to me that I should have started with myself. Duh, Rachel. Because it might be that someone out there wants to know really obscure things about me to get to know me better.

I was born 30 long years ago and lived a fairly sheltered life as an only child on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Literally nowhere, as the road I lived on ran for 1 mile, crossed the county line, and ran another mile. That's it, 2 miles of road and on it sat the farm that has been in my family for 200 years.

I decided after high school that I was something of a free spirit. I had Jay when I was days shy of 21 and his birth changed my life dramatically and I grew up.

Even though I'm a converted Jew, I graduated from a small Christian college with a degree in Justice Administration and Religious Studies. Instead of going on to law school, I became the editor of 4 small newspapers in the county I live in because the schedule is more flexible for Jay and I.

I have never been away from my child for more than 24 hours. This drives Micah nuts, because he dreams of taking a weekend, just-us trip. I hate to tell him, but it's never going to happen.

I have been called crunchy and a hippy more times than I care to count. I try to buy as much organic as I possibly can, with the exception of Micah food which I have slowly been trying to switch over, even though I know it will never happen.

If it were up to me, we would have a whole houseful of kids. Not Duggar-style, but pretty much as many as God saw fit to bless us with. However, I will be getting my tubes tied after Bean is born. There are two reasons: I hate being pregnant and Micah says 2 kids is enough. Plus, at this point I feel like I'm getting too old for this. I always thought my dad was old when I was growing up and I will be the same age when Bean is born that he was when I was born.

I have very strong opinions and I very rarely change my mind. I either love you or hate you, I don't have much middle ground. Most of my closest friends have always been guys, I don't like to get involved in the cattiness of other women. My husband is my best friend. I have a great relationship with my mom, even though I resented her when I was younger for being so sheltering. My dad and I co-exist more than anything, we're too much alike to really get along. We're both bullheaded and opinionated.

I always think I would like to be a stay-at-home mom, but then I'm home for a few days snowed in with Jay and no work and I miss my job terribly. I only work the hours my son is in school and when Bean is born, I will only be in the office about 6 hours a week. I don't believe in babysitters but I don't see anything wrong with parents that have to use them. Jay has always just had too many health issues for me to trust him with anyone other than me, my mom, or one specially chosen occasional caregiver.

I've been told I'm complicated, but I don't really think that's the case. I'm just me, take me or leave me. Although I hope that this glimpse into me hasn't caused you to want to leave.

On being on of THOSE moms

2010-02-26T07:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was pajama day at Jay's school. I may have a little obsession with buying Jay really cute pajamas, so it was hard for me to decided exactly which ones he would wear. He ended up in his Nascar jumpsuit jammies that my best friends Nick and Amy bought for his birthday. Wanna see how cute he was in those jammies? Of course you do and I'm happy to oblige.

He loved wearing footie jammies to school, mainly because it meant no shoes. But after school I had a dilemma. One of my pet peeves is people who take their kids out in public in pajamas or nothing but a diaper. It just makes me cringe, for some reason. But I needed to go to Meijer. What is a mom to do?

I decided to heck with it and I let Jay go into Meijer with me in his jammies. I was embarrassed and thankfully we didn't need much so we were only in the store about 30 minutes.

This incident reminded me of another time a few weeks ago when I was one of THOSE moms. You know the ones I'm talking about. You don't want to judge them, but there is just something in the way they talk to or dress their kids that makes you glad you have more sense. I know that sounds really judgmental. I'm sorry for that.

Anyway, Jay and I were in Wal-mart with Micah. Jay loves Wal-mart. It's like an amusement park for him. It may be the fact that we always get a donut or that Micah always pushes him over those funny bumps in the parking lot way too fast. Either way, as soon as we pull into the parking lot, Jay is dancing in his carseat.

On this occasion, Jay was in an especially good mood. He was laughing and falling over in the cart. He decided that this was the occasion to scream his head off while pinching my hand. I stopped the cart and yelled, "Stop!" And then I realized it, I had become one of those moms who scream at their kids in the store. I was mortified. Micah was laughing as I said, "Thanks a lot, Jay. Now I'm one of those moms that screams in Wal-mart."

I guess we all have moments like that. It's startling to me that in the course of a few weeks, grocery shopping has brought my two biggest shopping pet peeves into my own life. I blame Wal-mart.

On the birth of Jay

2010-02-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

5I have been thinking a lot about Jay's birth lately. Honestly, it's not a story that I share too openly. There are a handful of people who lived it with me and they are pretty much the only ones who know everything that happened and all that I was feeling back then. For some reason, now feels like the time to finally let everything out. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the upcoming birth of Bean and the fact that I am now more pregnant than I've ever been in my life.

When I was 27 weeks and some days pregnant, I had what would ultimately be my last appointment with my high risk specialist. She sent me to the big hospital and told me that I would be there for the duration of my pregnancy. Turns out, that was only four days.

At 28 weeks and 1 day pregnant, Jay started doing very poorly. I have a penchant for auto immune diseases and my body was basically attaching him. I was heavily into my period of Graves Disease at that point. So heavily, in fact, that I was taking 12 anti-thyroid pills a day and still producing too much thyroid hormone.

Every time I moved, Jay's heart would decelerate because his umbilical cord was so poorly formed. I laid on my left side for days. I watched a lot of Cat-Dog. And the Golden Girls. I was miserable and my body was basically killing him, which made me even more miserable. It's a horrible feeling to know that your own body is attacking your unborn child.

So, around 9:30 on New Year's Eve, I went in for an emergency c-section. I was put to sleep and woke up just before midnight to find out that I had a son. A son that the doctors said wouldn't live through the night. A son who weighed 1 pound and 14 ounces and wasn't breathing when he was born. At the time, I remember wishing I could have been awake for my c-section. But now I think it was probably best that I wasn't.

After midnight, a team of NICU doctors and nurses brought Jay in to be named and meet his mommy. I wasn't allowed to hold him, but I was able to touch him. He couldn't handle much touching because his little body was just too sensitive. I do remember holding my thumb up to his feet. His entire foot was the same size as the bendy end of my thumb. There are still times today that I look at my thumb and mark off that area with my forefinger. Just so I can remember how very far we've come.

I never got to hold Jay until he was 2 weeks old. He was just too fragile and I was only allowed to hold him long enough for the nurses to bring in a new incubator. That's the way it was for awhile. Holding him every two weeks until he was strong enough to come out more often. It's heartbreaking. I still wish I could have held him after he was born. That's a moment that he and I will never have.

For the next 11 months, Jay and I went to hell and back in that hospital. He finally came home on December 2nd. We had scary moments. There were times when it didn't look like he would make it. It was the most horrible and wonderful year of my life, if that makes sense. A lot of people don't understand it, but when you sit in a hospital every day for 11 months fighting for your kid to survive you develop a different kind of mother/child bond.

Jay and I have never spent more than 24 hours apart. I fought like hell to keep that kid and there is no way I'm going to be away from him. If something ever happened to him, I would lay down next to him and die. I have never loved anyone the way I love Jay. He is a part of me. He is the most precious part of me.

On 28 weeks, 1 day

2010-02-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

Today is the day. At this point in my pregnancy with Jay I was getting ready to have an emergency c-section because his chances of surviving were much greater outside my womb. That is a horrible thought. My own body was damaging Jay to the point that he had to get out, tiny or not.

I remember the first doctors appointment with Bean. I felt relief at hearing a heartbeat, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember that first ultrasound. Having the specialist show me that Bean's cord and placenta were perfect and had none of the defects that were present in Jay's cord and placenta brought relief, but it wasn't complete relief.

I remember the fetal heart echo. One of Jay's own cardiologists told me that Jay's heart condition was not present in my little Bean and I felt relief greater than any I have known in this pregnancy, but it wasn't complete relief.

I realize that making it through today is a big step. I didn't go into preterm labor, so I haven't been panicked that I may go into labor at the same point in this pregnancy. But I have feared being stuck in the hospital on bed rest and having this scenario replay at 28 weeks, 1 day.

Today has nothing to do with how my body is handling pregnancy. I knew I could make it to 28 weeks all along. But the fear was still there, ever present, in the back of my mind. I don't think I will feel complete relief tomorrow morning when I wake up 28 weeks, 2 days pregnant. But I feel a little stronger knowing that when I wake up I will be taking a new journey. I will never have been that pregnant.

At this point, I know that no matter what happens I can survive. I've been there before. I know how to deal with preterm babies. The scarier thought is not knowing what to do with a full-term newborn.

I probably won't feel complete relief until I'm being stapled up after my c-section, but making it past this milestone is probably the biggest relief I've had so far.

On How I Met Your Father

2010-02-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

I thought it might be fun if every Tuesday I introduced to you someone in my life. I don't know why I thought that would be fun, but I'm willing to give it a shot and see if anyone else is interested in the menagerie of characters that live in my world. I decided to start with my beloved husband, Micah.

Micah and I were introduced by a mutual friend about 6 years ago (it may have been 7) and we had no interest in dating one another at the time. I'm going to come clean here, for you my dear blog readers. Micah had no interest in dating me. I was planning the names of our future children after the first time I met him, but he still doesn't know that and since I don't let him read my blog, he never will.

Three years later, I ran into him in Wal-mart and he was all chatty and said he needed my number again, as he had a new phone. I will once again be honest with you and say that as I stood in the self check-out I had no idea who he was. He looked familiar and I knew that I knew him, but it took me a good ten minutes into the car ride home to remember exactly who he was. At that point, I didn't care. I had been in a relationship for almost a year and was pretty happy with the status quo of my life.

Micah decided to look me up on Yahoo Messenger and began talking to me while I was at work. After a week or two, he invited himself to see Spiderman 3 (or was it 2?) with my son, godson and me. I thought it was just a friend thing, I mean I was dragging two little boys around with me.

Little did I know that 14 hours after that first date began, I would still be sitting on my front porch talking to Micah.

Micah has been such an incredible addition to our lives that sometimes it's hard for me to remember what life was like before him. If you knew us each individually, you probably wouldn't think we were a perfect match. Micah is very conservative and in his words, I'm a "damn hippy." We are opposite in so many ways that on paper we would never work, but in real life he is the rock that keeps me grounded. He is the Greg to my Dharma.

Micah is such a nice guy, probably the nicest person I know. I am not. He is caring while I am compassionate. I'm religious but he is the one who saved himself for marriage because of a promise he made to God.

He is an amazing bass player. I'm his groupie. We argue and we disagree, but at the end of the day we always come to an agreement. He loves my son and he is the best dad I could have ever given Jay. I fell in love with him the first time I heard him play, I'm still not sure why he fell in love with me. But I'm grateful every day that he did.

On CHDA Week

2010-02-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know that I am the mommy of a heart baby. You may not know that it is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.

When Jay was born, 12 weeks early and weighing a mere 1 pound, 14 ounces, he was diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot. Basically, this means that he was what is commonly referred to as a "blue baby." When he would get upset, his oxygen saturation would go down as a result of his heart defect and he would turn blue. Basically, he had a narrowed right ventricular, which required a stint of sorts to keep it open and hole between the chambers of his heart that required a patch. That's the simplest way I know to explain the situation.

Because of his very small size, he wasn't eligible to have the surgery. His heart doctors wanted him to weigh at least 15 pounds and he needed to be ten months old to have the surgery. Let me tell you, waiting for a 28 weeks preemie to reach 15 pounds felt like it was going to take an eternity.
Unfortunately for Jay, he wasn't stable enough to come home without the surgery. Which meant we waited it out in the Infant ICU with a trachea, oxygen and ventilator. Being on a vent for 10 months is very damaging to a baby and can cause brain damage. That added to Jay's brain bleeds and lack of breathing at birth made for a very scary situation.

The day before Jay turned 10 months old, the heart surgeon came to us and said that he had a spot open first thing in the morning and he would take 14 pounds and some change as an adequate weight. He knew that the longer we kept Jay on the vent, the greater our odds of damage were.

At 6 am the next morning, my little guy went into surgery. He was in surgery for 12 hours. It was the scariest 12 hours of my life. I'll never forget seeing Dr. Brown's face after the surgery and having him hand me the squares he used to cut Jay's patch and stint. I still have them and every time I look at them, I realize how incredibly blessed we were to have such an amazing surgeon operate on our son.

After 10 months on a vent, Jay was off of it within 3 days of his surgery. He did amazing. His heart defect was what was holding him back from thriving all along. Within a month, we went home on nothing but oxygen. It was an amazing thing.

There are so many people I would love to thank for helping Jay when he was in those early fighting stages of life. We had the most amazing doctors and nurses I have ever encountered. But my greatest thanks to anyone other than God will always go to Dr. Brown. He gave me the greatest gift when he fixed my baby's heart and let me take him home.

On walls

2010-02-13T17:03:00.000-08:00

If you came to my house, you would see this...

And this...

Even this...

And you would most definitely see this...

But, sadly, this would also greet you...

And I would be the lady who has no idea what to do with this expanse of wall in my children's room. Any ideas? I bought a sparkly wall art flower and I'm thinking of putting Bean's name behind it, but other than that...I've got nothing. Any suggestions are welcome.

On why I love my husband

2010-02-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day looming near(my favorite holiday EVER!), I have been thinking about all the reasons I love my husband. I thought I would share that list and some pictures from our journey over the last few years with you today.

He accepted my son as his own. He has never referred to himself as a step-dad or Jay as a step-son. He is Daddy and Jay is his son.

He watched 7 seasons of The Gilmore Girls with me without complaining.

He never laughs at me, no matter how many times I watch The Phantom Menace and cry when Qui Gon dies.

He stops and gets me Rally fries and a chocolate shake after he's been gone for 8 hours playing with Surrender Dorothy.

He is the most amazing bass player I've ever heard. He can make me cry playing certain songs and taking crazy bass solos in Cocaine.

He decided we were ready to have a baby, even though he wasn't really ready, because he knew how badly I wanted to be a mommy again.

He puts up with all the crazy pictures I take, because he understands my passion for photography. (as a note, I took that last picture myself and it's my favorite picture of us.)

He washes the dishes because he knows how much I hate it.

He brings me flowers for silly things like buying him a new bass or finding out I'm having his baby.

He's pretty much the most amazing man I've ever met and I couldn't imagine my life without his smiling face. Plus, he puts up with my crap and my crazy hippy-dippy ways.

On who are The Who?

2010-02-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

This is a blog I never thought I would have to write. I don't expect everyone to know every band. I will admit that I could not tell you the name of any band who has had a debut CD in the last 5 years. But old music? Classic Rock? That I know. Which is why I was so offended to open up Facebook after the Super Bowl last night to see this is a "friend's" status message.

"Who the hell are The Who?"

Seriously? That would be like me saying, "Who are The Beatles?" or "Who is Elvis?"

Of some 22 comments, here is a sampling of the answers she was given.

"They SUCK."

"A group of guys in their 50's."

"No, a group of guys from the 50's."

"The guys who sing the CSI song." (IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE TO REFER TO THEM AS SUCH.)

"At least they didn't blow up the drums this time" (That's because Keith Moon died in the 70's, idiot.)

"They spent too much on the Super Bowl and this was the only entertainment they could afford." (Really, because acts play the Half Time Show for free. And if they were going to go cheap, they would have gotten Britney Spears or some other half-a** act like her, because it would cost a heck of a lot more to get a name like The Who.)

For the record, none of these are acceptable answers. I had a dilemma. I could make a truthful response and offend 22 people. Or I could ignore the question and offending answers all together. If you know me, you're probably assuming I did the first. Instead, I took a different approach. I simply said:

"They are actually only 1/2 of The Who. The 2 greatest members have been dead for years. John Entwistle was one of the greatest bass players to ever live."

But this, dear readers, is what I really wanted to say:

"Have you been living under a rock your whole life? I completely expect this kind of inane question from a teenager, but from a 30 year old woman? This is unacceptable. Let me ask you - Who are The Beatles? and see what kind of dumb a** you think I am. While they may not be the greatest rock band ever, they have been a consistent member of the music scene for more than 30 years. It is completely unacceptable that you haven't even heard of The Who. Did you ask the same question last year when Bruce Springsteen performed? Or Tom Petty the year before? What person hasn't heard of My Generation? Come out from your cave and learn something. Ask your mom, I bet she can tell you who they are. Hell, even my nine year old knows The Who."

This was my rant when I walked into work this morning. My co-worker, who is the same age as my mom, said: "I've heard of them, but what do they sing?" Which is a valid question. My reply, "My Generation." Because I think that's a song most people have heard. She says, "Oh yea, didn't The Monkees do that first? No, you dimwit. Pete Townshend wrote My Generation. It was #11 on the list of Rolling Stone's Greatest Songs Ever. Do you really think The Monkees made that list?

And the topper for the whole day of The Who disappointment? My own mother. Who says, "I never knew they sang the CSI song."

On random things

2010-02-05T18:37:00.000-08:00

This is really just a bunch of junk that doesn't deserve deserve a dedicated blog entry, but I feel like telling my adoring public (yes, that is said completely tongue in cheek).

Have I told you:

I turned 30 last month? My wonderful husband took me to Tiffany & Co. and let me choose whatever I wanted, within reason. I got a lovely white gold eternity band that says, "I love you" in cursive script. I really just wanted the little blue box.

Upon turning 30, I realized that I would be the same age when Bean is born that my father was when I was born. Which means when she is my age, I'll be 60. Scary stuff.

I have a strange fascination with Sebastian Bach. I have absolutely no idea why, because I am not an 80's hair metal kinda girl. Maybe it's the fact that he hasn't aged since I was a kid?

I almost killed an ultrasound tech last week. This crazy woman decided to ask me what due date we were going with for Bean. I told her May 18th. She asked if I was sure. I said, pretty darn since I've written my cycles down religiously for years. Is she too small? The tech says she isn't sure she has to transfer the numbers. Then asks me when I started having problems with Jay. After confirmation from my specialist and regular Dr., everything is fine and Bean is growing on schedule.

I finally broke down and bought the Eddie Bauer bassinet I've been obsessing over since I saw it last year. Babies r Us put it on clearance and then gave me a 15% off any bassinet coupon! It came today and I can't wait for Micah to put it together tomorrow!

It took me months to realize that Bean's due date is also our 3 year dating anniversary. Crazy coincidence, huh?

I know there was more on my mind earlier, but I can't remember any of it now. Maybe a part 2 will come once my pregnant brain starts working again.

On comfort (or not)

2010-02-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be one of those complainy pregnant women, but can I just say that I cannot stinking get comfortable the last couple days. My office chair stinks, I can't lay right in bed, and when I walk my back hurts on the left side. If I hadn't already decided to have my tubes tied in May, I would be deciding it right now.

I had no idea (or maybe just no memory of 9 years ago?) that I would get so uncomfortable. I'm really hoping this is a temporary thing and I'm not going to be feeling like this for the next 14 weeks. Because honestly, that would suck. I know in the end I'm getting a beautiful daughter or adorable son and today that is the only thing keeping me going. That and the fact that my boobs seemed to have stopped growing, which is spectacular.

On having a name like Dani California

2010-01-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

Micah and I had a strange conversation about a week ago. It involved a middle name for our unborn Bean. I thought this issue had been decided months ago, if she's a girl she's Dani Marie and if he's a boy he's Liam Douglas.

I like names that mean something to me and both middle names were significant. Marie is both the middle name of my best friend and my recently departed grandmother. Douglas was Micah's grandfather's first name before he was adopted. End of discussion, or so I thought.

Here is the conversation that took place as we were leaving Tiffany on my 30th birthday:

Micah - Soooo, how set are you on Marie as a middle name?

Me - Pretty darn set, since we decided it before we were even pregnant. Why?

Micah - It's boring.

Me - Seriously? That's your reason?? (I believe at this point I had stopped in front of the Burberry store to stare at my lovely, clueless husband.)

Micah - (staring at me)

Me - Well, if you don't like Marie, then what is your suggestion?

And he looks at me, in all seriousness, and just says "Alexis."

Alexis?? Now, I have nothing against the name but my head was spinning with the thought of Alexis. Where did this name come from? What is my husband's reasoning for such a trendy name as Alexis?

I'm not a trendy name person. My son is Jason. That has not been in the top 100 for popular names in a good 20 years. We've never met another Jason his age and there are no kids in his class named Jason.

I like Dani because of the Red Hot Chili Peppers song, Dani California. My husband is a bass player and he owns three Flea basses. Flea is one of his major influences and I want to honor his musical abilities in the name of our daughter. And I don't see there being any other Dani's in her classroom when she starts school.

I bet I could walk into a school tomorrow morning, throw a paperwad and hit an Alexis.

In the interest of fairness, I gave my husband a week to come up with a meaningful name. He had nothing. So I made a list of 12 middle names and presented it to my husband on Friday night. He looked over the list and pondered while we ate dinner. And do you want to know what middle name he chose for our unborn daughter??

Marie.

On Lennon v. McCartney

2010-01-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This blog is meant to be humorous. Nothing I say here is to be taken too seriously, except the fact that I really am NOT a Beatles fan. I just don't get the hype. Please don't send me "You are horrible for hating the Beatles and John Lennon" hate mail!

I've been thinking about really stupid things lately as it pertains to Bean and myself and the new dynamic that will soon descend upon our house. One of my major worries is what kind of musical taste Bean will have. My goodness what if Bean loves Gwen Stefani or Fergie. I don't think I could stand it. But the most important musical debate that will surely take place in this house is that of John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney.

Please don't think that I'm a Beatles freak. Actually, I'm pretty much an anti-fan. I think The Beatles are highly overrated. Actually, I like their songs, I just prefer when someone else sings them.

The debate I generally end up in with The Beatles fans I know is Lennon or McCartney. 99.9% of people will take Lennon, in my personal experience. But not me. I'm McCartney all the way. Maybe I just have a thing for bass players? Personally, I credit my love for Paul to Wings. Have you ever heard Wings? Freaking awesome! Maybe I'm Amazed is one of the best songs ever.

Sorry, I've gotten off topic here. What am I going to do if Bean loves The Beatles or Mr. John Lennon?? What am I going to do? How do I explain the incredibleness of Mr. Paul McCartney without exposing the child to at least some Beatles songs? Goodness, this is overwhelming.

I suppose I'll just hope against hope that Bean loves bass players as much as mommy. And maybe he or she will inherit my strange fascination with Sebastian Bach, as well.

On turning nine

2010-01-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

Dearest reader, before you begin reading this post I need to ask you a favor. Can you pretend it's 2 weeks ago, Thursday, December 31st. Because I'm lazy and I forgot to post this 2 weeks ago.

Nine years ago this very day, I became a mommy. Jason Edward Ritchie was born weighing a mere 1 pound and 14.5 ounces. He was only 13 inches long and 12 weeks early. My life changed completely that night. I had a child that doctors told me would never live until the next morning. And now, here we are, nine years later still going strong. Sure, Jay has some health issues but he is the most amazing kid I have ever had the opportunity to meet.

Now, on to the pictures of my beautiful little boy turning nine!

My child is an Elmo freak.

I got a little ambitious and made a tie dyed cake, it will never happen again.

Jay got a uke for his birthday and he loves it! He adores music.

I'm still not sure what this face is about.

And finally, the forced birthday hat picture.

On babies and their gender

2010-01-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

I had my ultrasound last Tuesday. Little Bean decided to show it's gender, unlike that stubborn older brother known as Jay, who waited until I had an ultrasound 3 hours before his birth to announce his gender.

Unfortunately, I have this crazy idea that I don't want to tell anyone our babies gender since we've already shared the names we've chosen for Bean. (Liam Douglas or Dani Marie, if you were wondering) I think it will be more of a surprise and a treat for Micah if he gets to announce "It's a boy" or "It's a girl."

So I can't tell you, dear blog readers. But I could show you the high chair we bought yesterday, the front of my kids bedroom closet and the pile of things I bought yesterday which includes Bean's outfit for the wedding of my two best friends this fall. Then I wouldn't be telling but if you figured it out on your own...well, I wouldn't have told you.

The high chair that perfectly matches my oops can purple wall.

Yeah, Bean already has a lot of clothes.

The polka dotted outfit is for Amy and Nick's wedding. It matches their wedding decor perfectly.

On holiday spirit (or my lack of it)

2009-12-16T15:57:00.000-08:00

I will admit, Christmas is not the meaningful religious holiday to me that it is to many of you. I celebrate Hanukah and Christmas, but Christmas is only celebrated in our house for my son and my husband. Normally, I go all out. From my perfectly coordinated tree that goes up the Saturday after Thanksgiving to the coordinated wrapping paper I use to wrap stacks of gifts, I am on at Christmas-time.

I don't know what it is this year, but I have still yet to be bitten by the holiday bug. I still have shopping to do. I haven't purchased a single present for my dear husband. There has not been a single gift wrapped in this house, with the exception of a gift bag I gave to a friend at lunch today.

I keep blaming it on the pregnancy and my being tired all the time, but I don't really think that's it. I wonder if I have some seasonal depression sneaking into my life. I don't feel down necessarily, but I have zero motivation to do anything. Whether it be laundry, making dinner or getting ready for the massive holiday that will descend upon me in 9 short days.

I think this year has almost been too much for me. While it has been an incredibly happy year with our wedding, first real vacation, and the impending arrival of the Bean, it has also been a year full of trials and tribulations. First Micah lost his job. Then he went back to an old job and started working 60+ hours a week. Then I lost the Sprout. Weeks later my uncle killed his wife and himself. Less than a month later, my mamaw was gone, as well. Then we found out that Micah's gramma had a terrible case of cancer. Now Doug has passed on, as well.

I think this last year has just been more than I can bear. I now completely understand my mother's lack of holiday spirit the year my papaw passed away. I just want this year to be over so we can start a new year. I want to be the Super Mom I used to be, instead of dreading daily activities like bath time and dinner. I want to come home and do more than set here and look at the laundry and wish someone else would wash it, just this once. I want to find myself again and come out of this dreary mess. I hope it happens soon, because I have less than 2 weeks to pull off my normal holiday extravagance.

On Doug (known at our house as The Bouch-Bag)

2009-12-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin today. My mind is going a million miles a minute trying to comprehend the horrible tragedy that has happened here.

I got a call at work today from a dear friend, who told me that someone had just informed her our friend Doug had died. I was dumbfounded for a moment and then I heard her say he was tased by police and it killed him.

All I could think was, this can't be true. But moments later she was sending me a link to the story of what happened. This was not the Doug Boucher that we knew and loved. And I can't help but think that if these people really KNEW Doug, like we do, they would have realized that he was a harmless guy, he said obscene things and he acted crazy, but he was a GOOD GUY. He didn't deserve for his life to end this way. He didn't deserve to leave behind his little girl, who he loved so much.

I have so many things I want to say, but right now I can't find the words to properly express myself. I know in my head what I want this blog to say, yet I am unable to be coherent enough to properly put hands to keyboard.

Micah knew Doug for 15 years. He was Micah's bass teacher and the bass player he eventually replaced in Surrender Dorothy. He was a friend, a mentor, a teacher, and a peer. He was just a giant teddy bear of a guy who didn't mean any harm. Sure he let the C-bomb fly on a regular basis and sang songs about hitting on 16 year old girls in the Dollar General, but he was a good guy, a great father, and a dear friend.

I would never deny, nor would anyone else who knew Doug, that he could be crude, obscene and outlandish. But if you knew him, you knew that it was all good-natured. He never meant harm when he called his friends an obscene nickname, it was just his way of showing he cared.

I've read the articles and honestly, this is not the Doug Boucher we knew. And what sickens me is the commenters on these articles about him. People calling him a criminal and a bad person. These people didn't know Doug and for them to say horrible things about this man is unacceptable to me.

I know this has been rambling and incoherent, and for that I apologize. I thank you for sticking with me this long. I started wanting to write a tribute to a great friend, but I don't feel that's what I've done here. Soon my thoughts will become more aligned and I will be able to pay proper tribute to Doug.

For now, I will just say, thank you for being a part of our lives, you have contributed so much to the man I love and respect as my husband and for that I will be eternally grateful. You were a good man, Doug, and nothing will ever change that opinion for those of us who knew and loved you.

I know that you didn't believe in Heaven or my religious ideas, but I hope you're out there somewhere tonight, looking over your sweet Katie and all of your friends who will miss you so dearly. If there's a Rock N Roll Heaven, they just got one hell of a bass player.

On Hanukkah

2009-12-12T15:44:00.001-08:00

This is just too good not to share with you. Two things I love, the Hanukkah Song and Neil Diamond!

On fathers and sons

2009-12-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, the love between a father and son, it's something much different than the love between this boy and his mommy.

Decorating Easter Eggs

Having a Stare Down

Laughing at Mommy?

A Monkey and his Handler

Can you tell who ADORES his Daddy?

And the Carousel, too!

I can't wait to see how the relationship grows between Daddy and the Bean. I know Bean is going to adore Daddy just as much as we do!

On sad days

2009-12-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

I know it's crazy stupid, but when I'm sad this always makes me smile. Thank you Paul Simon, I needed it today!

On Cancer

2009-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

I've lost many people that I love to cancer. I've also seen many people survive cancer and come out on the other side. This time, I don't know what will happen. I want to pray with all my heart that Micah's beloved grandmother, Bobbie, comes through her surgery tomorrow and lives for another 80 years. I know that realistically an 80 year old woman can't live for another 80 years, but if I could make that happen, I would.

I can't bear the thought of my husband losing the woman who raised him. A woman he loves more than anyone else in the world outside of our immediate little family. I know that Bobbie's death will rock our world to its very core. My husband may very well lose himself to this grief and there is nothing I can do for him.

I want to sit here tonight and pray that Bobbie lives for many more years. But the truth is, I know that removing the tumor in her breast and leg will not rid Bobbie of her cancer. It would be selfish of us to want her to live on in the pain she has been living in since August.

Tonight, I wish that God would say to me, "Rachel, you can have one wish, what is it?" Because without hesitation I would ask for Bobbie to be healthy and outlive us all. I can't bear the thought of my husband losing Bobbie. I have lost both of my grandparents and I know this is going to be worse. I honestly believe that this lose will be worse than if I lost both of my parents at once in some horrific accident.

Even with all of these thoughts running through my mind of wanting to save and preserve Bobbie for another lifetime, I do not pray for those things tonight. Instead I pray for God's will. I know that my own selfish pleas are no good to anyone. I just pray that God does what is best, because I know that is exactly what He will do.

If it is Bobbie's time to go, then I only pray that she goes peacefully into her reward and doesn't have to suffer pain on this earth. I pray for my husband, for understanding and comfort to offer him if the worst does happen. I pray simply for God to do what is best for my family, no matter what that might be. I know that God already knows when it will be Bobbie's time to go and I will not pray in vain against His plans.

I wish that my one small voice could reach up to Heaven and change God's mind. But I know that's not how it works. I will instead count my blessings of knowing this amazing woman, who raised a perfect husband for me and continues to hold her beloved grandson on a pedestal of love even today.

Please if you are the praying kind, or even if you aren't, pray with me for God's will for Bobbie. Please pray that the rest of her life, no matter how long that may be, is peaceful and filled with the love of her family.

On Pregnancy

2009-12-01T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what happened here. It's not like I'm new to this whole pregnancy thing, I have a son who will be nine at the end of the month. But my word, I do not remember all of these crazy things happening to my sanity and my body with Jay. Yeah, I might have thrown up six times a day for six months, but that was the only discomfort of pregnancy I experienced with him (other than a C-section at 28 weeks).

For your reading pleasure, here is my list of complaints:

1. I look like Dolly Parton. In 16 weeks of pregnancy, I have gained exactly 5 pounds. I swear that entire five pounds is firmly located in my breasts. At 6 weeks, I had to go up a cup and band size. And now, just ten weeks later, my cups overflow. Dang it all. I swear I never bought a bigger bra the entire 28 weeks I was pregnant with Jay. NEVER. I'm making up for it this time, though. I have what Dolly and Pamela had to pay thousands of dollars for....and I'm ready to give them back.

2. I. Cry. Alot. Ugh, the emotional roller coasters. Found out one of my best friends is going from night editor at our local paper to Editor at a paper about 1 hour away, I cried. Couldn't have what I wanted for dinner, I cried. Heard Sammi Edmonds talking about the Angel Tree on the radio, I cried. Talked about my recently deceased uncle with my mom, I cried. Saw a video of the kid who hit a golf ball with Tiger Woods, I cried. You get the idea, I am an emotional wreck.

3. The Heartburn. I never experienced heartburn with Jay. I guess throwing up more times a day than you eat prevents heartburn? Now, I want to live on Pepcid AC and milkshakes. My mom says I must be having a girl because she had heartburn with me. I like to believe that baby geniuses produce heartburn in their mothers.

4. The Headaches. Not sure what is causing all the headaches and nasal problems, but I'm quite tired of blowing my nose to alleviate headaches.

5. The doubts. This one is the worst. Nine years ago, I was a naive 20 year old who knew nothing about raising babies. I have nine years of experience as a mommy and I'm scared to death. Were we ready? Where are we going to put the Bean in our already full house? How will I manage editing four newspapers a week, caring for a newborn and a son with special needs while my husband works 60 hours a week? Why did we do this? What was I thinking? I'm not proud to admit it, but I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I wanted this baby so badly and now I'm feeling like we made the wrong decision and maybe we should have just been happy with Jay. I am losing my mind and I don't want anyone to think I don't want this baby, because I do. I'm just not sure what I've gotten myself into. By the time Jay came home from the hospital, he was 11 months old. I have NEVER cared for a newborn in my home.

Oh Lord, I think this is about to get interesting.

On that horrible American Idol

2009-11-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

For some time now, I have been beyond annoyed and angry at this whole American Idol phenomenon. It's just really stupid and pointless to me. You don't have enough ambition to play in crapholes for free to get yourself noticed as a singer, but you have no problem covering a few old songs on television every week and becoming an overnight celebrity. I think that shows like this are a real disservice to the music community.

I have and always will have a huge problem with American Idol. I have a very dear friend who is an immensely talented singer/songwriter/musician, but will she ever make it on American Idol? No, because she doesn't look like Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson. It's that simple. It doesn't matter how talented she is, she isn't a size 0 Barbie doll so she will never have the opportunities that these girls do. In my opinion, that is crap. The average woman does not look like these girls who are plastered all over American Idol and the rest of the celebrity world, but we are forced to look at them and then feel like we have to reach these impossible standards of "beauty."

My main issue with American Idol, however, isn't the way the contestants look. My problem is that real artists wouldn't have a shot on this show. These people come out and put their own stink on a great song. They don't sing original material. The don't play in a band. They are simply cover singers, which does not make a real musical artist in my estimation.

My other problem, today at least, is all this crap I'm hearing about Adam Lambert. For the record, I don't dislike him because he's gay. Some of my very best friends are lesbians so please don't accuse me of gay bashing in my blog. I think he tries to make himself into a cheap George Michael rip-off. I personally love George Michael, but his heir this boy is not. His singing leaves so much to be desired and I was disgusted recently when a co-worker made me listen to him butcher both The Rolling Stones and Johnny Cash. There is covering and then there is turning a great song into crap. Congratulations, Mr. Lambert you make worse cover crap than Axl Rose (and that's saying a lot for me considering he butchered my 2 favorite Stones songs.)

Thank goodness I have never had to set through even 30 seconds of the drivel that is American Idol. I have much better things to do with my time than talk last night's Idol around the water cooler. (you know, like write stupid blogs about how much I hate the idea of such a show.)

On My Mamaw

2009-11-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today about my mamaw. She passed on back in August after a long and hard battle with both Alzheimer's and cancer. By the time Jay was born back in 2000, my mamaw was already starting to slip and my grandfather was terminally ill with cancer of his own.

My mamaw always made each grandchild a knitted baby blanket. In the closet, I still have my own as do many of my cousins. Our children each received blankets, as well.

I can remember my mamaw setting in the waiting room at Riley after church on Sundays knitting blankets for the new crop of great-grandchildren (5 in one year) she had coming after Jay. I remember her giving Jay a yellow blanket and beginning work on a lovely pink and blue blended blanket. I commented on how lovely it was and never thought any more about it.

My mamaw was a cantankerous lady, but she also loved her family very much. Jay in particular. She just thought the sun rose and set in Jay. I always joked that my mamaw never liked me until I gave birth to that little miracle. My grandparents, both in their seventies at the time, made it to the hospital for Jay's middle of the night New Year's Eve birth. They religiously came to visit him every Sunday. One of my favorite pictures is of my mamaw holding Jay during a tube feeding, proudly holding that tiny tube up above him.

When she finished that second blanket, she gifted it to Jay, as well. Never mind that she had four other great-grandchildren waiting to be born (one of whom was the child of her favorite grandson). She said that this blanket was meant for Jay.

I was thinking about it tonight and I thought of something. Maybe my mamaw knew that my future held another little one. Maybe she knew in her infinite wisdom that she would not be around to see that little one and wanted to be sure he or she had a blanket made by mamaw, as well. Or maybe I'm just a sentimental lush right now who isn't thinking straight. But even if it is only me wanting to believe she left this gift nine years ago for the little bean who is coming in May, who am I hurting by believing it?

On Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have never given a lot of thought to Veteran's Day. I am always thankful for my papaw, uncles and dear friend David who served our country in the military, but I've never been overly emotional about the holiday. I buy my poppy from a nice Veteran at Walmart and go about my merry way. Until this year.

This Veteran's Day brought along thoughts of my uncle who passed away this summer. My Uncle Joe served two tours of duty in Vietnam and spent over 25 years in the Air Force living around the world. He suffered from cancer caused by his spraying of Agent Orange in Vietnam. Yet, when he died in July, he was not eligible for a military funeral or burial in a VA cemetery, according to the VA in Tennessee.

I remember many things about my Uncle Joe. He made the trip home from Tennessee every year after her retired to attend Museum Days in Fairmount. He had to have Pete's Pride pork fritters, Vogel's carmel rolls, and my mamaw's ham salad and liver and onions every time he was home. I can even remember my mamaw shipping him the rolls. My dad always thought this perculiar and just had a fit over my uncle's strange eating habits. It took me until he died to figure it out. He had cancer in his mouth and I think he ate those things so religiously because he could remember what they tasted like before his treatments and oral skin grafts. I don't things ever tasted like much to him after that. That's just my layman's theory.

A few years ago, my uncle's wife died. He continued to make his solo trips to Indiana, but then someone new came along for the ride. My uncle had a girlfriend, a perfect southern lady if I ever met one. Trish was just a peach. With her addition to my uncle's life, he became a new person. He was more talkative, friendlier on his visits home. And Trish was a doll, loving little Jay and doting her affection on him. She was a nurse and she could relate to Jay's medical issues and not be intimidated or afraid.

But those things are neither here nor there. The reason my Uncle Joe has weighed so heavy on my mind this week is because of his tragic death this summer. For reasons that none of us will ever know, he took the life of his wife of less than three years and then committed suicide one Friday in July. We will never know why and this tragedy has struck our family so deeply. My two cousins are now parent-less. My mother and her brothers suffer from the knowledge of it all.

Because of the way my uncle's life ended, it didn't matter that he gave almost 30 years of his life to serve in the United States Military. He was no longer eligible for the honors he had earned in his life. To me, that is as big a tragedy as the way his life ended. Did this man not serve his country in Vietnam? Did he not move here, there, and everywhere in service of his country? Was he the first member of the United States Military to take another life?

Not even a month after my uncle passed on, my mamaw passed away. She had suffered from Alzheimer's and cancer for some time and died painfully with my mother at her side, never knowing that her oldest son, the most beloved of all her children, had committed suicide the month before. The knowledge surely would have killed her.

While I know she had no earthly awareness that my uncle had passed away, I like to believe that when she passed on to the other side he was waiting there with my papaw to welcome her home. I have to believe that, no other knowledge will give me peace. I remember driving home from my mamaw's funeral and thinking to myself, "I hope my Uncle Joe is with my Mamaw and Papaw." I hope and pray that with all my heart. I hope that he has found peace in the afterlife, because I am not sure how much peace he had here on earth.

On religious intolerance

2009-11-04T16:14:00.000-08:00

I had quite the day. For some time now, there has been a woman employed in our sales department who is what I consider below average in intelligence. I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful, but to give a little insight into the intelligence of a small-minded person.

I am Jewish, and have been for over 8 years now. I converted while a student at a local Christian University. I learned about Jews, I learned about Christians of all denominations. I searched my heart, found an incredible Rabbi and temple and made the decision to follow the Jewish faith.

This is NOT a decision that I came upon lightly, many hundreds of hours of research went into my decision and it is one that I stand by 100%. I know that this was the right decision for me, but I would never even begin to think that this is a right decision for everyone else.

Today started out normally, until my co-worker decided to bring her prejudice and narrow-mindedness to the table and inform me that the Mormon Church is a cult. Why was I so offended, you might be wondering. I believe that religious persecution in any shape or form is wrong. I respect all religions and I have no notion that any religion is superior or inferior to my own. I'm of the school that as long as you believe something, you're going to be alright. And if you don't know what you believe, that's okay. Be a good person and everything will work out in the end, that's what the law of Noah says, after all.

When C. discovered that repeatedly stating that the Mormon Church is a cult was not going to convince me, she decided that calling one of the pastors at her church would surely change my mind. No. If you are not intelligent enough to debate with me from your own knowledge, then there is no debate. I win by default because you cannot defend your point.

When I told C. that I did not care to hear the opinion of her pastor, even though "he was a professor at your college," she began to attack me for being Jewish. Spouting something along the lines of me not really believing in Judaism and that she knew that deep down in my heart of hearts I didn't believe that crap. Who the hell are you to tell me what is deep down in my heart? Were you there the first time I walked into a temple and was moved to tears by how at home I felt. Have you seen the joy I take from Torah study and debate? Do you even know what the Torah is? (sorry that one was a little mean.)

C. and people like her (I know there are others out there, I just haven't been lucky enough to meet them yet) are the reasons that millions have died at the hands of Christians and Catholics during events like The Crusades and The Inquisition. People should not be allowed to be so narrow-minded. And some day, should I live a life worthy of meeting God, I want to ask him why people like C. exist. Surely it is to test my faith.

I have no doubt that if C. were alive during The Crusades, she would have burned me at the stake. She would have gassed me in a chamber during the Holocaust.

And as much as I want to hate her and others like her, I can't help but feel sorry for her. To be so ignorant that you can't allow another to have an opinion must be horrible. To never learn about the religions of others would be a detriment to me, personally. I take great joy in studying world religions and it saddens me that we can't all be so open-minded.

After the incident today, a very close co-worker (he's kind of an adopted grandfather to me) finally found out I'm Jewish. He told me how lucky I was and that he thinks it's wonderful. This man attends the Church of the Brethern every Sunday and is actively involved in his church community. What a wonderfully enlightened man I learned he was today.

I hope that my children will grow to be as religiously tolerant as I am, by following my example and watching how I live. And if they decide to be Buddhist, Muslim, Quaker, Catholic or whatever, I will love them just the same.

On being the mommy of a heart baby

2009-10-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

I thought today about something that I honestly haven't thought about in years. Within days of Jay's birth, I was told by a team of Cardiologists that my son had Tetrology of Falot (TOF) and would eventually need open heart surgery. It was a scary thought, but not something that could be taken care of immediately as Jay only weighed 2 pounds.

Just one day shy of 10 months later, I watched as my little boy was wheeled off to an operating room where he would spend the next 12 hours of his life. I was scared, of course, but the lead up had been scarier. Because of a hole and narrowed valve in Jay's heart, he was what had previously been known as a blue baby. This meant that any time Jay got upset and started crying, he would turn blue from lack of oxygen. Oh, the blue fits we had in the 10 months leading up to surgery. It was so precarious a situation that Jay was never allowed to leave the hospital during this time. I was beginning to think we would NEVER leave that hospital.

Two days after surgery, Jason was off of the ventilator that had been assisting his breathing for the majority of ten months. Four days after surgery, he was only on 1 liter of oxygen. A month later, I was home with my most precious of miracles.

The reason I'm thinking about my heart baby today, is because I follow the blog of a mom who has her own heart baby. He hasn't been as lucky as Jay. This little boy was born with SVT, a condition that sometimes causes his heart to race at over 200 beats per minute.

I was telling Micah about this other little boy today, and I told him I realized how lucky we were to have it so easy. Mind you, 8 years ago I wouldn't have told you that 10 months of waiting for a 12 hour surgery were easy. But as I've followed the journey this family has been on just in the past 24 hours, I realize our journey was simpler than most.

And now, at almost nine years old, Jay's heart is in perfect condition. His cardiologist told me the last time he had an echo that if he didn't know Jay had a TOF repair he would have never guessed he had a heart condition. The only tell-tale sign at this point are the wires that are visible in an x-ray.

While this journey hasn't always been easy, I can look back now and say that it wasn't so bad. Nine years ago there were days when I felt like I walked through hell and back. But today I realized, it doesn't matter how hard it was because I would have done it all ten times over, just to have Jay.

On May 18th

2009-09-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

I had my first OB appointment today, and all was well. I got my due date and had a lovely cervical exam while my husband stood by my head. Micah and I both thought the Dr. would have him leave the room, but I'm guessing she thought he'd already seen my down there and it shouldn't bother him.

I asked him on the way home if the blanket covered everything and he informed me that he didn't know, he was looking away the entire time. That's love. Honestly, as much as I love my husband, I just don't need him to be right in the thick of my pap.

I did have to get a flu shot today, which I wasn't thrilled about. I'm not big on shots and introducing foreign stuff into my body like that. I've never let Jay have a flu shot for that very reason and I feel like I shouldn't have done it either. And when I was leaving, the Medical Assistant informed me that I would be getting the H1N1 vaccine next month. Yay, me!

I don't go back for another six weeks, and Dr. Cox said that on that appointment we'll get to hear Bean's heartbeat!! I'm so excited for Micah to experience that because I remember how awesome it was to hear Jay's at my first appointment. And the Dr. was super about not doing a lot of unnecessary stuff before our insurance open enrollment in January. She has always been great about letting me slide on some stuff that isn't necessary since I lost my insurance last year.

Here's hoping the Bean stays happy and healthy!!

On new babies

2009-09-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

Micah and I found out almost 2 weeks ago that we are expecting another little bundle of joy. I'm excited, but apprehensive at the same time. Ever since my miscarriage earlier this year, I've wanted to get pregnant again but at the same time, I didn't.

I'm so scared now, even though we've already made it past the point where we lost our Evan. We want this baby so badly and I'm pretty sure that Micah is more worried about losing another baby than I am. I don't think that I can even try getting pregnant again if something happens this time. I'll just have my Jay and that will be enough.

I'm counting the days and weeks and we've decided to wait until I start my second trimester to tell our friends and family. I told my best friends the day I found out, but other than that we are keeping mum.

Prayers that this is our time to become a family of four are greatly appreciated!

On Hell Week

2009-09-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been a circus at our house. I never pledged a sorority in college, but I'm assuming that Jay has been going through a sort of Hell Week for 3rd graders lately.

For the last several years, Jay will have a couple seizures a year and that's it. From January until the end of August we have had eight so far this year. Let me tell you, there is nothing that makes Micah and me crazier than seizure watch. If 8 in 8 months wasn't enough, Jay decided last week to have two of those nasty buggers on Monday and Tuesday.

Panicked, overprotective mommy (me) frantically made Jay a Dr.'s appointment to see if his seizure medicine needed changed. Dr. says no, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be taking Jay to his old neurologist in the very near future. I'm wondering if he has outgrown his medicine or been taking it so long that he is becoming immune to it. For now we are on an antibiotic and so far, no more seizures.

Jay also decided, in all this craziness, that he would have one of the aforementioned seizures in his new classroom at a new school. I swear he scared his fresh out of college Life Skills teacher close to death.

I'm hoping we've got the situation under control for now. We leave for Massachusetts for five days on Wednesday and there is nothing I dread more than a car seizure 100 miles from a hospital.

On where I was when the world stopped turning

2009-09-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Eight years ago today, my mom said to me, "I still remember where I was the moment I heard President Kennedy had been assassinated." At the time, I believe my mom around 4 years old. I thought she was crazy when she said that I would never forget where I was the morning of September 11, 2001.

This morning as I was taking Jay to school, I heard that Alan Jackson song about September 11th and through held back tears, I remembered exactly where I was eight years ago today. I have already cried twice this morning, maybe I'm just emotionally nuts right now do to raging hormones. Or maybe I'm just realizing how much something that I never thought would effect my life has actually changed my world.

Exactly eight years ago this moment, I was laying in bed calling my then significant other, Terry, to see what he was doing. He told me that planes were crashing into the World Trade Center and I honestly thought he was joking. My son was in the hospital still, which meant that I was in the state capital and people were scared to death of a plane coming into the city. I was less than 10 miles from the airport and scared to death for my son. I remember my mom coming into the hospital that morning and telling me that gas was over $5 a gallon in Indy. I remember staring at the television later that night watching candlelight vigils around the world.

I had no idea that seven years later, I would be seeing one of our dearest friends off to Iraq to a war that was still going on. I hate war, but never so much as when I had to watch a 21 year old man get on a plane and leave his son and family for over 15 months.

I hope that today we can all remember where we were. Remember those who lost their lives on this day and the families they left behind. Whether we agree with this war that is still going on or not, I believe that supporting the men and women who are in the military deserve or support and respect.

On the beginning

2009-08-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I have felt called upon to share with others the journey I have been on for the past nine years. This is no doubt a journey that will continue for the rest of my life. I know there must be other families out there experiencing the same things we are with our eight year old son, Jason. If my experiences could help just one other family, my son's life and journey will be that much more meaningful.

When I was 28 weeks pregnant with my son Jason, things went terribly wrong. Bear in mind that I never experienced a normal pregnancy with Jay. I was barely pregnant when I found out that I had Graves Disease. This added many complications to my pregnancy and the end result was that Jason's umbilical cord and placenta never properly developed, cause him to have heart decelerations in the womb. So, at 28 weeks and 1 day, weigh just one pound and fourteen ounces, Jason Edward Ritchie was born into this world, not kicking and screaming but in dire need of oxygen and a ventilator.

For the next 330-some days, we were in Riley Children's Hospital. At five months, Jason got a trachea, at six months a G-tube, 10 months saw open heart surgery to repair tetrology of fallot. And after that surgery, Jason flourished and blossomed. He came off of the C-Pap he had been using for months, he stopped turning blue, and I was able to take my beautiful boy home just before Christmas and his first birthday.

When I left the hospital with Jay, there were Dr.'s who told me he would always need a trachea to breath, he would never eat by mouth, he would never talk, sit up, or walk. Within 2 years, Jason was breathing without a trachea or oxygen, eating whatever he wanted and having his Mickey Button removed. He sets, scoots, and gets around fairly well. We still haven't mastered walking, but we're working on it.

It took these same doctors over 3 years to tell me that my son had Cerebral Palsy. At first, I was furious that they waited so long to tell me. Did they know what kind of other therapies I might have been able to introduce to Jay in the first 3 years of his life had I known?

I guess the reason we weren't told sooner is because Jason has a rare type of Cerebral Palsy so the doctors wanted to rule out other things before coming to that diagnosis. He leans more toward loose muscle tone, but he isn't floppy. I always thought kids with Cerebral Palsy were stiff and couldn't move. I have since learned that there are several types of CP and my son has the rarest form.

I am planning this to be a place where I can share how Jason has touched not only my life, but the lives of those who know him. I also want to give hope to other parents with a child who has been diagnosed with CP that there are so many great things we can do to help our kids live more "normal" lives.